Leave out all the rest

It has been eight months now. And actually I have hardly anything else to blog, what I would not have written already. I feel good, I am on a summit. In two weeks or so I am going to feel like shit again, but way not as bad as I used to, and in another two weeks I will feel marvelously again. The time spent on the peaks becomes longer, the valleys are flattening.

Today I saw a job ad online with exactly my job role but in another institution - and twice the salary. By the time I find and start a new job, I will probably be cured completely. Enough compromises, life is waiting to be worshiped.

Popping Pills

There is a reason why I left India and the company I used to work for out there. Now I work for the Indian government, but with increasing frequency I get reminded, why I originally had decided to leave the subcontinent.

The border between feeling good or bad has become too subtle. I used to be able to blame the "bitch" for things where I did not do well. But now things go wrong while I am feeling well. So is it me to blame, or has the "bitch" sophisticated its guerilla tactic?
I had one of those moments today once more, where I felt tired of the typical hierarchies and the arbitrariness that they cause. This job was a fair deal while being ill. Today I felt too good for a sick, too bad for someone you could expect a full performance from. It was my decision to go to work in a state where I might not have had to, accepting I might underperform. In spite of feeling too good to need it, I swallowed an emergency pill for the first time after a while. My performance was skyrocketing one of a sudden. A pity I am not allowed to take it more often (actually the max. is 4/day, but you get heavily addicted in exchange).

I will keep doing this job for a few months more, but it is time to look on, for the time after. I just completed my cover letter for a job ad - for the Swiss government this time. Funny enough, I have even two nationalities but work for a third one.

Too many pictures

I have not been blogging for roughly a week. The reason was simple: I was busy. I attended DoIt again as the official "AIESEC-photographer". At KickOff in May I shot roughly 1200 pictures, now at DoIt I have doubled the amount of pics. I asked myself why. Probably because I was feeling much better and hence was more active, I don't know.
Interestingly it was last week when my state decided to roller cost again. I was even a bit in danger in the mid week. It got better.

But the pictures: I think they were pretty good, a handful even made me proud. I check them on facebook regularly and certain I just keep watching over and over again. What I like about photography is the constant challenge in trying to catch the people as they are, as I see them at least. It sounds so easy but can be so hard. Anyway, I should sleep now. I am to write later on this again.

Ups

Ok, I was a bit wrong in my assumption. I am not healed yet. I do not expect to feel marvellous every day once cured, but I neither expect to feel as bad as I did yesterday. It is getting better again. Yes, I am cautious. Today again the compliment from the doc of reacting appropriately. Thanks anyway, but I hate it. there is something wrong with me, in me. It is dieing - not me - but yet it is there.

Fixing things

It's been seven months now. I have spent the best part of the week feeling good. The end of all this is near. But I may not think I am there too early. Beside the euphoria of the approaching cure I feel the fear of having to go back into hell. I feel all the energy in me, and the first thing I want to use it for is to avoid this to ever happen again. I amde a good job in this respect this week I think. Yesterday my state started to dive back into illness slowly, but before I realized once more the success in front of me. I remembered those mornings when I woke up without the certainty to live the evening, the panic that caught me. And than I felt the entire life that I see now right in front of me. My life.

About life

Usually when having a small pain, cold or nasty infection I used to say indifferently: "I'm gonna survive it!" to switch the subject. My foot, nastily aching for two weeks now and maybe indirectly even caused by the "bitch", would be a good example. But I stopped using this sentence earlier this year.

I keep seeing old friends from AIESEC, see how they moved and lived on, read blogs, statuses on facebook, bump into them in the street, see them busily running their career, getting married, become parents. I said it in India and it keeps being true: I am not sure if I stand in my life where I want to stand. It took me much more years than it took others to get here. I am not complaining, I also know the reason and see it would make a more than a fair excuse. But I also am surprised regularly how much this slowed down life (I mean career) has given me. there is not the enemy to whom I would wish what is behind and partly even in front of me, but I think I learnt some cool things as well and made some good friends in addition.

One more thing: An alumnus who now works for a company which earlier this year refused my job application asked me what I was doing these days. I explained him my job with the Indian embassy. "I am jealous." was his surprised answer.
Ok, maybe I do not work in a fancy multinational, but I work for one cool nation instead.

Last but not least one person Friday night asked me how I was doing. "Ok!" was my usual answer.
"I am reading your blog." she surprised me. After two silent seconds I sighed: "It is getting better." and went back taking my pictures. Later, when I said goodbye I admitted to her, that her question had made me think. About the past months - all the fighting, the backslashes, the small successes and the big failures.
"I am going to survive this!" I said - and I meant it. "It took me a bloody six months to get here! Thank you for asking me the question."

Thank you for reading my blog.

Offline

Due to technical difficulties this post from last Sunday is only published now after a short editing.

Funny, I have been offline for two entire days and am still alive. Two months ago I convinced my parents to switch to a new internet/phone/TV provider. And now the first two are crippled. The technician is to come on Tuesday morning. Until than I will have internet only at the office. This is also the reason why I could yet not upload the pics from the alumni gala from last Friday.

The arts of medicine and science have developed several sophisticated indicators to measure how healthy my state is. I for myself have my own ways of checking once in a while. Friday I did it with partying throughout a night. When I eventually went to bed it was at a time, where I could not clearly define anymore if it was time for the night or the morning pill. In a nutshell: if not cured still I was pretty healthy that night.

The gala made some interesting rencontres, old friends, very old AIESECers, and an AIESEC-dinosaur that made me feel myself like one, when realizing that the same speech that he was holding I had already listened to at KickOff 2004. And the evening even brought up an issue, that had been following me the entire week. On Monday I had reported to my boss, that the "Swiss banks did not need any intervention". On Wednesday already my boss reminded me of the fact, that what I had reported had turned out to be the wishful thinking of the concerned. Last but not least I happeend to meet Friday night with a banker who cynically joked, that he was "working for the Swiss government now". He unfortunately started to become polemic about people who would request the old heads of UBS to pay the bonuses back. He said it was ridiculous, as what happened was after their were in charge and had not been foreseeable. "Isn't it the job of people in leadership positions to guide the organisation into the future?" Foreseeing the future, or at least the most appropriate scenario? And to take decisions in this respect? At least that is how I understood leadership when I was charged with it (what was also where I learned, that at the LSE the term "Investment-Wanker" is very common by the way). The discussion moved on to the legal aspect (which is in favor of those who want to keep the bonuses) and the inconvenient call for regulation by the lawmakers. I quoted my beloved Economics Professor from Uni saying: "Seulement un Etat fort peut garantir un marché libre!" I think the guy tried to smile empathetically, still he kept looking to me like a Zurich banker who would not even understand that little French.

But I should not bash the banks that much. I ironically might even profit from the current financial crisis. Hungary is one of the most heavily struck economies, the Forint is cheap as dirt. Looking forward to December.

Progress

Progress is the fact that I don't feel constantly like dieing anymore, only like shit once in a while. But right now I feel great. And as much as I feel obliged to blog, there would be not much more to say. But I keep typing.

I feel like I could not even imagine to feel ever again in March. Am I healed? No. As good as I feel, it is as much an exception as the most worse states that I still get in regularly. But days like today become more often, and days where the danger calls become seldom. I hate though when my state limits me in my work - as I realised this week so strongly.

And now, I indeed don't want to blog. Let me just enjoy the telly for once. I am looking forward to see many of my readers tomorrow.

Finland

There are for sure some stereotypes about the Fins, and honestly during my stay here in Helsinki they were not disappointed. The language sounded very familiar to me, in spite of not understanding a word. As always when on vaccation I tried the local food and others. Thursday night we ate in a Finnish restaurant - I never had a double shot of vodka as a starter - Friday Nihan took me to her favorate Turkish restaurant, where she kept up her couflage until she paid by credit card. The patron thanked her in Turkish - but still he would have none of his famous backlava left for us. Last but not least, instead of heading for the Italian restaurant that we had chosen, we entered a Hungarian restaurant that we found on the way. The patron and her cook/husband were Hungarian, so was most of the menu - and particularly their customer care attitude.
Knowing that I would come to Finland, my mum obliged me to buy her Finish design glasses. The ones that she started collecting some 30 years ago and that I know since my childhood as untouchable, as so pricy. I agreed with my sister that we would surprise our mum with it for Christmas. In practice that means, that now I have to carry home 12 crystal glasses to Switzerland, hide them in the cellar before ringing the bell, and deal with my vexed mum who will think for two months, that her son was heartless enough to go to Helsinki and and to come back without following her heartiest request. I still don't like Christmas, and it is yet more than two months away.

Friday I explored the city on my own, enjoyed the Fish market and even bumped into the local Indian embassy. I for sure had too much time to think about myself that day. I hate my body for not knowing the difference between a bad day and felt Armageddon so often. Nevertheless, once more it shall be conveyed that I feel much better than most of the time this year. And that I am grateful.
My biggest sin as a foreign tourist here is the worst that on can commit out here: i am on my way back and did not even see a sauna from the inside. One reason to come back. My plane has reached the gate, I should leave now.

Bridging the bad times

I really am not in good spirits. My strength has been fading the past days, in spite of some good things happening. In the hospital I was once more reminded of the strength needed for the next chapter of all this. I eventually agreed. Anyway, it is to start only in a while. Some painful challenges are in front of me, but I am looking forward already to the end.

And now the good news:
1) I go on vacation: 4 days, Helsinki, I even used my extra miles to treat me with a return in business class. I am looking forward to a 4 hour lounging in the airport of the capital of beer.
2) I bought a new printer/scanner/photocopier/photo printer. The good thing about being grown up is, that you can buy all the nice things that you see in the shop window and that your parents would never pay for.
I printed some old pics to nice up the white walls of my room. The printer passed the test, though as its owner it is yet not at its best.

Trifft e Bärner e Baslere in Züri...

Something is wrong. I started two blogposts this week already and both I did not publish. I have been in thoughts the last days. The illness of others made me think about my own health and future, my goals - and the fact that certain decisions are not appropriate to be taken now.

I am more lucky with my treatment than others, I have been reminded once more. And the power of this blog also has been proved once more. Some things turn out so cynical, I had to laugh almost.

I have reached the point where I could either accept my destiny and illness and take the current, relatively stable state as "as good as it gets". I think I have done this the past years - and we know the result. The alternative is to start once more a new chapter in the treatment, a possibly painful one. and to try to fight down in the depth. Both seem not very appealing to me, but I am pretty sure about the decision I am going to take - even if I might maybe push it a bit to later.

I do not accept this as my "healthy" state. I know I have been better than this. I know I can walk that last mile to cure. I want a life, and the medics do not allow me. And that is not even the worst.

Enough whining. The good things: I had again a very nice chat with my former successor. Talking about our jobs, it made us realize that most occupations turn out to be disappointing when measured by AIESEC standards. The idea, that the economy is "where the magic happens." is maybe the ultimate naiveté fueling AIESEC. By the end of the day it does not matter which organization you are in, they only have water to boil with. This conclusion is not even new, but maybe down to earth enough to be constantly outlined.
Anyway, I do not work in the free economy for the time being - what makes my job comfortably safe these days. I have as much amusement as challenges and freedom.

Getting Married IV

So Saturday I went to Basel to attend my friend's wedding. He does not really like the idea of blogging, hence he asked me not to post anything. I shall respect this and not mention here the cool reverend, the fact that not a priest but the mother of the bride was reading out the intercession (what I liked, in spite of my atheism), the nice little church in Basel's oldtown, the apero in the city's best gellateria (imagine they have aceto-balsamico ice cream), the sweet restaurant that hosted us for dinner, my friend's uncle who played very moody Yiddish music and last but not least the female guest who collapsed, luckily in company of five doctors.

Basel seems to me often like a gate to the outside world. Maybe because on the horizon you can see even two neighboring countries. Maybe because of some memories from old days. After having been abroad for roughly a year, I did not leave Switzerland since my return, except a weekend hop to Hungary. I am planning a little hop for next month. It is time to visit one more place where I have never been.

Why?

It has been half a year now - and I almost forgot. I must be feeling better.

But first the bad news: Nothing makes me feel more spineless but to depend on people who do not give a shit. I am furious, but luckily that is one of the things in life that does not sustain for long - only disappointment does.

The good news: I feel very good. And even more my body seems to have learned to recover again. More than one doc was reminding me of the fact, that I am not healed yet and hence I should go step by step. I know - last week proved me that. Still I have reached a certain euphoria.
When reading old blogposts I seriously ask myself how I survived this. I should maybe discuss this once all this eventually over. It is yet too soon.

More, this week sadly I was reminded every day how perilous the bitch is. Since Monday I am reminded every day of a girl that did not survive. I would not even know about her, if she had survived. Only her sudden death caught my attention, and even that by accident. It is such a waste of life. So unneeded, so frustrating. I refuse to believe that she could not have been helped.

And like half a year ago, I cannot embed the song that I consider appropriate.

Promoted

How did this happen? I only called it a "mutation" myself, but all people kept congratulating me. Anyway, I even got a new office, next to the one of "Madam". The best news about the new job role is that I can keep my favorite part of the old one: reading (and summarizing) the news. Beside that I get a deeper insight into diplomat activities.

When our head of administration congratulated me, I asked him if there were any major changes (for example money-wise). "No!"
Actually there is: I cannot get away without wearing a tie anymore. I hate ties, because most people wearing them make themselves look smarter than they are.

Today before leaving the ambassador asked me to get her an appointment with the Mayor.
"Any particular reason, ma'am?"
"No, just a courtesy visit."
So I called the mayor's office. "Grüässäch, i lüte'n a vo'r indische Botschaft!"
And there it was again, these two seconds of stunning silence. This always happens, no matter if I call Swisscom, an electrician or the Foreign Ministry. It seems the combination of Indian embassy and casual Bernese confuses the people.

Wäuetau - Wäuebärg

CAUTION: The positive part starts only in the second paragraph!
My checkup yesterday ended with a big laugh though. Don't even know anymore what we were actually laughing about. Probably I made one more cynical remark about my state. It has worsened, but not sustainably. Just a usual dip in the curve, as often. But as I realized, getting from a general state of "mostly feeling ok" to "very bad" in less than two days can be even more dangerous than going from "feeling bad" to "pathetic". I learnt to be cautious, naively thought I would not have to be anymore. It does not really help to know the causes if you cannot change the effect. I FEEL LIKE A F***ING HOSTAGE sometimes.

Back to the good news: some minor formal modalities in my job. Might be more fun, unfortunately also less newspaper reading. More good news: October will have three Indian banking holidays (we "celebrate" them as we do the Swiss ones - by closing the office).

I am trying to relaunch a bit of social life these days. I have to force myself I must admit, but I have been cocooning it seems. It worries me. Maybe it was needful and hence fair enough for a while. But I have to move on, or let's better say start moving.
Talking about movement: I am also desperately trying to get rid of the kilos that I owe to my medicine. Lemon sorbet has been replaced by grapes and apples as a first step already months ago. Now comes the sportive part. We shall see.

Last but not least after at least half a year for the first time again I checked out what used to be aiesec.net. If that thing runs half as reliable as it is fast, than this is one big leap ahead of what I was used to. Anyway, I did not find the information I was looking for (AIESEC IS acting sustainably), but I found the new MC-yearplan by accident. I made my very own contribution to it, as I saw on the first page. I take it as a compliment.

About new roles

I had a bit of a chaotic day at work, though still stuck to my routine. I might be given new tasks in the future, actually it is already the case. A new job role maybe starting from tomorrow. My committed newspaper reading has become wishful thinking nowadays.
But in the morning , around 11am something else struck me like a bomb. I already felt it yesterday, thought it might just be a fever, but now I know it was the bitch.

That outlines something remarkably good: For almost a week I had not felt it at all. Going through my pain attack today taught me, that so many bad states I have not been in for weeks almost. The pain attack in exchange is first class. And whatever I tried to patch it it failed, including the emergency pill. I am sitting in an elevator downstairs.

Anyway, tomorrow I will feel better, I just have to ignore it. Or maybe I end up in hospital once more? I have my checkup tomorrow anyway. I want all this to end, but of course not the way my body is suggesting me.

When feeling bad I logically feel in me the need to do something good to someone. Today's winner: my nephew. It is going to be his birthday on Saturday, so uncle Sabi bought him the truck he had announced me over the phone. Toys are more expensive than in my days. Back from my lunch break in the toy store I asked my sister what her little princess might wish. "She is so font of her Barbie, so buying Ken would be a good idea."
"Sorry for having to tell you the bad news sis': but Barbie dumped Ken! For a younger guy. You know how women are..."
Anyway, why imposing roles on a four year old girl who is boyish enough to beat the shit out of her elder brother on a daily basis?

Alive and kicking

I am not saying this out of disappointment, but it seems the world did not end - once more. The apocalypse has been announced so many times by so many people meanwhile, that I think the only true one is than, when no one is going to foresee it.

"Those reputed to be dead live longer!" a German saying goes. I could not agree more. I feel excellent, cure is getting nearer. I know every time I write this there comes a deeeeeeeeeeep bump, but I cannot only write the bad stuff.
I had many ideas about what to do once all this is over. One of them is a pure summer activity. Bugger, I am a bit late for it! Never mind, I'll find a way once the time comes.

My job today gave me one more idea, as we went to fetch our brand new staff car. Once all forms were signed, we had to wait for our driver, who brought along the number plates.
"You can have a short drive if you want until than." the car salesman told me.
"I am not allowed to drive it." I remarked.
He assumed I had lost my driver's licence (to the police), as he discretely admitted later.
The truth is much more boring: I never had a driver's license. I have been driving motor bikes, a car and even a rickshaw once. I know how to drive a car - in theory. But in theory I also know how to land a jumbo jet.

Maybe I should start doing the needful to get that paper. It cannot harm.

The end of the world - kinda

I don't want this blog to die before the bitch does. So I have to keep writing. But news on my health would be too boring. Swiss politics as well, but let's give it a chance.

This morning, when I was crossing the Federal square by bike I had to zig zag a bit due to the market and the people going for it. Right in front of my front wheel I recognized a short man with a briefcase, also looking for the shortest way to cross the square on his way to his working place on the other side. I had to turn beside not to hit him. He reminded me of the fact, that I already almost hit his "boss" once years ago. The old man saved himself with a jump back on the pavement.

Later during my lunch break I crossed the square once more. Near the national bank I almost bumped into an old lady who was vividly discussing in typical Geneva French with her companion. She has quite a lot to bitch about I said to myself.

Every morning it is my first duty to screen the Swiss and Liechtenstein news for relevant information. A duty that I assume with all my passion and commitment, spending hours reading the newspapers peacefully in my office. Yesterday I did not exactly feel flattered about what I translated to my seniors. Former Minister of Justice is sewing members of parliament - basically because they were doing their job. Foreign Minister intervening on the accreditation of a journalist - also basically for doing his job. The fact that another member of government does only stay in office, because the parliament does fear the alternative, is not even worth mentioning.

Anyway all this is not relevant. My boss asked me smilingly today in a meeting a bit off the topic: "Did you see? Tomorrow the world will end!"
"Err, yes sir, but only in Geneva."

Rivella - a tribute

Among the many things that I met through AIESEC and would not have met without is surely Rivella green. As hardly any sober and/or smart person would pay money for it, why not give it for free to a butch of hung over and dehydrated students up in Fiesch? I never liked Rivella. As a kid I always saw the local kids drinking it, and when finally I tasted it (the red version) myself I was as disgusted as I used to be by Swiss cuisine back than.

Years later, when I worked as a waiter I came to the conclusion, that the thing is drinkable while not exactly worth paying money for it. And once I started Uni I remember my new flatmate drinking the green version bottle wise as her own contribution to the 2000 green tea and China hipe. I did not follow her example - I had been to China instead. Apparently I did not do so alone, as for the following years Rivella was constantly used as a free sponsor give away to get the young to drink it - and pay for it.
Honestly, what would be Fiesch without all these half empty green bottles dropped virtually in every corner? It is actually a very good cross cultural training for non Swiss, when you explain them what it actually is, as I did to my boss at the Paleo festival few weeks back:
"Cheese is milk without water." I explained.
"So this is the water?" he asked astonishedly.

So now getting the water out of the cheese is not enough anymore - "you also have to think of the vegan!" they might have thought in one dull meeting of their marketing department. "They don't eat cheese but tofu, so let's sell them the water out of the Tofu!"

Sounds like a cool idea, I admit. Saturday a flat tire forced me to wait for the train in Schönbühl instead of biking home. Killing the waiting time I gave Rivella yellow a chance. I don't like milk but Rivella seems drinkable meanwhile. For sure I don't like tofu, but now I know it is not the missing water that makes it taste ugly.

Why am I writing all this? I have absolutely no clue. I did not want to write the past days as I did not exactly feel good. I forgot my emergency pill at home yesterday and instead of going home in a state that would have legitimated it no doubt, I "played the hero". I am an idiot. It is ignoring the pain that allowed the bitch to take me hostage.

Anyway, 2 bad days close to hell out of 7 is a bloody good ratio. And now I feel marvellous. Exactly as I expected it.

Pour la vie

"Imagine you get cured after years of illness, would you as first thing go online and waste your time sharing it on the web or just start enjoying your life?"
My doc told me this a few months back, when I wondered why on the web forum mostly negative effects of the illness and treatment were shared, but hardly any success stories.

So if I am silent, maybe because I am doing ok, kind of fine. I am not cured yet, but working on it. And I start realizing that there is more in life, and I am even happy to get annoyed by every day challenges, "normal" ups and downs.

High school reunion for example! Ten years ago they finished high school, by than I had already left school due to medical and other reasons. Still they invited me. I did not know what to expect, felt a bit doubtful and vain about the 5 or more KGs that I gained meanwhile and the life I had lived. But as I could not go five years ago to reunite (I was in India doing my CEED back than) I decided to give it a try this time - in spite of currently going through a similar kind of mess that forced me to leave high school. Irony is a constant factor in my life.

It became a beer, wine and memory soaked mini reunion of two political scientists, three consultants, one engineer, one teacher and one owner of a bike shop, mostly bitching on old teachers and sharing the knowledge about those absent. I don't think people change and neither did I have the impression yesterday. I told this already a few months back to someone who left home for a while also for the sake of change - and who got pretty angry when I shared this theory. It made me reflect, but still even after AIESEC and all other rich experiences that aimed or not to be life changing, I think people do not really change, they just become better in accepting who they are. Feel free to challenge my opinion on this.

Thank you for smoking

It has been 5 months now! Actually roughly a year, or even longer. I can add one more ridiculous story that proves the ironic touch of all this.

Friday I was going to meet Tristan for dinner at the Tramdepot. I found him sitting at the bar, waiting for his table to clear - and smoking.
"So you have found the answer on your question if you should restart smoking while your girlfriend is abroad." I remarked not without any reproach. He could not care less. Why are doctors always smoking?
"Maybe I actually got ill because I quit smoking a three years ago, what do you think?"
This was the only joke that came into my mind concerning tobacco. I did not even expect him to laugh - but his answer was hallucinating.
"People with your medical history are actually advised to go on medication when quitting smoking."
Excuse me? The weirdest thing of all is that looking at when my state started to worsen (veeery slowly and step by step) is roughly when I finished Uni - and quit smoking.

"Why did you not tell me already three and a half years ago?" I asked Trisch.
"Because I did not know it myself."

It would have been the most logic to celebrate this "news" with one of the delicious cigars that used to be sold in my favored restaurant. But unfortunately smoking has been kind of banned - or at least guests are "kindly requested" not to and the cigar box has disappeared. Neither would Trisch give me one of his cigarettes, and anyway I did not abstain from smoking just to start again after more than three years.

On the other hand nothing is proved what actually made the bitch come back after more than a ten year pause. And by the end of the day I am responsible for not having seen the signs. I just thought I am a bit down and will get better again - and kept living on stand-by modus.

On the other hand meanwhile my state is not only stable, but mostly stable on a high level. I am getting remarkably better. But I want to go further. Even when feeling good I feel most of the time that this is widely an illusion or an artificial state caused by my pills. But I want to complete this, I want to heal completely. I know what it means to feel healthy meanwhile, and it made me realize that I have been ill for so long, much longer than I thought.

Sauf le tableau entre autre...

So if there is a life in front of me, why do I end up looking in the debris field of my past for a stupid piece of furniture, covered under a sticky layer of hypocrite indifference?

Because it means something to me. Because I want to save the few things that were not destroyed by this illness that has been with me for much longer than I thought. I don't know why, but I appreciate that certain things have kept their value to me in times like this. I hoped for the euphoria of the cure and got the melancholy of the outbalanced. My pills do a good job in keeping me away from death, but seem to take in exchange most of what I would need to get a life.

Yesterday I caught myself once more checking out flats for myself while reading the newspaper in the office. On the way home, with the bitch meanwhile in the neck, I realized that living on my own might yet be a bit too dangerous. It is better someone watches me, just in case. The case that I feel too far to happen but too close not to hear.

Keltenfest

The good thing about being ill is that I don't have to call the docs - they call me. Anyway, I convinced them that I was ok - which was rather a hope in the beginning than a feeling. Oli told me I should join Ueli and him for a rock festival to empty my head. Well, not exactly rock, rather celtic, gothic, weirdo, "gspürsch mi?", "hari krishna" and "let's save the world" kind of music.
"It might make you feel better if you get out of town." he said.
I did not believe him and said yes, grabbed an emergency dose of pills for two days and packed it into my big rucksack together with my sleeping bag and two sets of dry clothes in respect of the puring rain.
I went to the Migros to buy some snacks. The others would take care of the dinner, I would join later and bring a dessert. I was to have dinner with two vegetarian and one vegan girl I remembered (at least she had been vegan when I saw her the last time 5 years go). Hence in spite of my lust for it I did not choose the cheese but the apple pie, two packs of chips for my own hunger, biscuits and a bag of apples.

After a short train and bus ride I arrived up in the middle of celtic nowhere. The festival was not exactly cramped (about 100 people including their kids). The first band singing was a German combo playing medieval music combined with dance art and heavy costumes. The smell in the air reassured me that I would not be the only one on drugs.

To my surprise my friends had yet not started cooking. While Ueli was still fighting with his gas burner, the others explored my paper bag with the curiosity of the hungry .
"I brought a bag of apples!" I announced proudly about my newly developed sense for health.
"Whose chips are this?" was the answer of Anne, our vegan companion. "I am starving!"
It turned out that she is not vegan anymore.
"Vegetarian at least?" I asked full of wonder, remembering awful soybean cream black forest cakes and other disgusting sweets where eggs had been replaced with some awkward chemical powder in the name of veganism.
"Well, I am mostly vegetarian, as I found out that the only meat I can eat is bündnerfleisch."
I swear I tried to smile sympathetically and still the others would reproach me cynical laughter.
The chips where eaten before moving on to fondue. Yes, it is mid-august, but it was raining and below 20 degrees as well, hence it shall be forgiven.

I stayed up there from Friday night until Sunday morning. Saturday we kept ourselves busy with late breakfast, biscuits and deliciously warm honey wine bottle wise. Also Oli gave me a shiatsu treatment trying to chase the bitch out of me. The music was sometimes groovy but not exactly my style. In spite of the salsa course that I received in Hyderabad, Andhra Pradesh, I have not become a friend of latin music - even when the lyrics are sung in Bernese.

This morning finally, when breaking down the tent I found the (almost full) bag of apples again. One last time I offered them to my friends. Their gratitude was nothing but angry looks. They had found out that the apples were flown in from South Africa: thousands of tons CO2 away. In the end I don't know how it helped the CO2 balance that the apples were brought back to Bern again, but they taste delicious.

That was fast - the party is over

In one week my state has so worsen, that yesterday I made again an emergency call to the hospital for the first time after a long pause. Even worse, today a doc was offering me to consider staying at the hospital for a while.
"NO!" was my immediate answer.
"What would it take to keep you here?" he asked.
"If I would be convinced that my life was under immediate threat requiring constant supervision!"
I want to keep my job, because it marks my attempt to get back into a normal life. And in spite of all I consider this as more useful than putting me into the sick environment of a hospital right now.
He accepted this decision and switched for hopefully one last time the medication: "Doing this you might feel some side effects - or not!" he said.
I unfortunately spoke out what I was thinking about this useless statement - and apologized instantly after.

Anyway, until now after every night where the almost worst happened, I felt splendidly the following day. Or at least did so during the better part of today. Luckily tonight my weekend has already started. Representing the Republic of India in my home town, my employer does not only close down the office on the 1st, but also on the 15th August. Attending a little ceremony in the morning and a reception socializing with 200 diplomats and NRIs over lunch will be my entire workload for tomorrow.

Stand up and walk

My doc reminded me today that after months of observing my body on symptoms and side effects it was about time just to ignore the signs - and simply keep moving on. She is right. My caution was appropriate until now, but slowly deserves a bit of negligence. Ironically it was today when I realized once more that some change is preparing in me, something new is to happen - to the better I hope.

I feel better and am (and seem) more stable. But still there is this dodgy feeling in me. Something is wrong, I cannot get rid of it. I should simply be happy - but yet there is something there and it frightens me. But I cannot name it. I feel good, but something brakes me down from going the last bit, entering the finish lane.
Maybe this is just the paranoia of someone who swallows a horse load of pills every day, but in spite of bit too much worry than needed sometimes, I usually am not wrong with this kind of feeling.

The good news, or actually even more of it. The blood test had a result in my favor, the medication seems to do its job and is not degraded before getting into action. But maybe I left it to the medication for a bit too long. I should fight again and get rid of that nasty attitude, that I am too ill to do this and that. I will see. The doc is going to send me the details by mail - and a new prescription I assume. The pharmacist welcomes me calling my name meanwhile. Gosh, I have been ill for too long. I start seeing the life ahead of me, I have to keep moving.

Do you remember?

Do you remember when you were a little child and fell, bumped into something or cut yourself and cried out of pain? Do you remember the comfort that you received when your mum or any other grown-up gave you a hug and convinced you that the pain would go away? Do you remember that moment when your tears were yet not dried on your cheeks but you had realized it would get ok again?

This is how it feels. This is how it feels to see the bitch loosing the fight. This is how it feels getting back to normal, whatever that is. This is how it feels to slowly get the own health back. This nightmare is coming to an end.

I am not through yet. But the moments where I am ok are getting longer. It is not a few hours in the morning anymore but one or two days where I am fine. Every couple of days I again feel pain (like yesterday for example), every night I feel something is wrong with me (like now), but also the certainty that the following days are going to be fine (like today).
I am lucky to have a job where a few hours of being agonized by pain does not bother my daily schedule. I just close the door of my office. Actually now, with my mind starting to work clearer almost every day, the job seems even boring sometimes, but I am not complaining. The job is always ready to surprise me.

I thought getting healthy would make me feel invincible and strong. But first of all it clears my mind and sight. It also made me indifferent to so many things - what actually worries me right now - and melancholic with even more. I have to plan my next steps in life, now that I will have one. I also will have to decide how to deal with the illness in the future, my doc reminded me. There is bad news also. The perilousness remains "under control" but is yet not gone. There is still a path to go, I have to keep walking. I know I should not think about what I lost on the way, but still everyday I am reminded. Maybe it was too much to overcome under pain. Cleaning my room made me find too much trash that yet must be dumped.

I really wonder about the result of that blood test.

Up the hill, down the hill

Many friends ask me these days if the new pills are working. I am afraid of the question, because I fear finding the wrong answer, having to say maybe that they don't. I am too eager on the result of last week's blood test.

Yesterday I felt all the good sides of the pills, including their doping effect. I have never been biking uphill that fast I think. Another sign that my drugs are changing things is the fact, that I tidied up my room! Ok, maybe that was not exactly the medication, but as my state gets better I also feel like pushing other things forward.

I feel the pills start doing the job - with many ups and downs. Every day which I feel very bad, is followed with one or two where I feel good. Or to put it in a nutshell: Given how I felt today, tomorrow I am going to feel extraordinary.

Getting married III

We had hardly closed the discussion, a young woman came to our table kindly asking for a favor:
"Hi, we are having a polterabend at our table over there. And we put up a bouquet of roses in the men's lavatory with a picture of the bride. We were hoping the men would pick a rose as written there and bring it to our table for her, but until now only one has done so. Would you mind surprising my friend in let's say five minutes with a rose."

Guys from Bern indeed are a bit shy by nature. We felt the duty to save the honor of our city's menhood. After finishing the tiramisu we hence headed for the toilet, picked both a rose and surprised Nathalie with a flower and kisses.

Getting married II

I went out for a drink and a sinfully delicious Tiramisu with Tristan. He has also been invited to a wedding and being best man he feels responsible to organize also a polterabend, but was still seeking for the right thing. After a hand full of good and bad ideas that we discussed he finally decided to treat his friend at a local dance bar known for its teenage crowd.
"Living up to the old days!" he called it. I already felt a bit old this morning, hearing him saying this in the night did not make me feel younger either.

Getting Married

This morning my dad was getting ready to go to the Migros for buying food. "I join you!" I said, as I also needed some things that I preferred not to delegate to him (the right steak for tomorrow's grill party that I am attending for example).
On the way out he checked the mail.
"You got mail!" he reported.
"Nothing of importance!" I assumed out of something bluish-reddish on the envelope, guessing it was my phone bill. It turned out to be the invitation for a wedding of an old friend. Back from the supermarket I called him. His girlfriend - ups, I mean fiancée - took up the phone.
"Congratulations!" I announced. "Thanks!" she replied with a smile before passing on the phone.
"You decided to pay more taxes in the future?" I asked him.
"Well, let's say certain things in life cannot be avoided on the long run, can they?."
"Hmm, at least you are not using your age as an excuse."

I am working on it

Every time I feel very bad, I feel even better than before the next day. Yesterday again I had a low - a deep and frightening one. But today it got better again. But now, despite a fun evening that I had treating my mum and my aunt in my favored restaurant, it feels hard to ignore the pain - and the fear it causes. I am much better than just a few weeks back, but I sometimes doubt if I ever get back to health. I should ignore this.

Let's get the good sides out of this: the medication makes me look younger: acne has joint the catalog of side effects. I keep being optimistic. Or do I try to keep being optimistic?

Ok, let's try again: I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it feels sometimes. And maybe this time the light approaching is indeed going to be the exit - and not a truck full of side effects running over me.

Anyway, I drop in the pills now and sleep until tomorrow. In the morning I will feel better, as I always do. And I will sleep in between, as well as I did never in the years before. There are good things in taking these pills. My insomnia is gone, the nights are so peaceful. I am grateful for all the hours/nights/weeks of sleep that I am catching up. If I feel bad now, than for the sake of feeling better tomorrow. I am grateful for seeing the tomorrow.

A quick note

It has been a bloody long four months now!

What can I say? Today I felt how it might be to be healthy. I already wrote last night to my doc how good I felt, but almost a bit too much - like on speed! He agreed this was giving hope - and that finally it should bounce back to normal in the end. Side effects never reached beyond the minimum. Though in the evening the bitch taught me, that yet I am not done with it. It weakens, but yet has not left the scene. I keep being optimistic - again.

Au Paléo, quoi!

In the five years that I lived in Geneva, I saw my work colleagues at the airport haggling about this and that shift every July, worried about not getting the right day off or having to work at the wrong hour. They eventually all headed for a plain field on midway between Lausanne and Geneva, where for one week every day 40,000 people would listen to all kinds of music and just having a blast at one of Switzerland's most recognized music festivals. Actually as i just read in their press file since 2003 they were sold out every year.
But never in all the years in Geneva I actually went there - but today I did in my duty for the Indian government.

My boss had received an invitation, and when I explained him the schedule today he spontaneously asked if I wanted to join him. Uuuuh, I had to give it a long thought. A guided tour, apero and backstage access. I love the job.

Time for politics

Monday I was translating the daily news again. But as the current affair in Swiss politics was to enter a new phase, I waited with handing in my reports.
"The minister of defense has scheduled a press conference for 4:30pm. He is expected to sack the chief of army." I told my boss.
And as expected, at 5pm I could hand in everything with a little update (that the chief of army had surprisingly only been suspended). At the same time I found out that the Indian government crisis upon their nuclear deal with the USA had entered the showdown phase.
So the next day I handed in already in the morning a short summary on how the Swiss media thought about Prime Minister Singh's attempts to survive a confidence vote without his coalition partner. My boss took the article knowing that there was nothing written, what he would not know yet, while on his screen a live coverage from Delhi was running through the broadband.
"When is the vote sir? I am curious myself." I asked, hoping for getting to know the result before lunchtime.
He just looked at me and said: "Today!" wondering about me asking for the obvious.
So I went downstairs to give a copy of the report to another colleague, who was sitting with two others in his office, also watching life the parliament debate. I showed him the article and mentioned, that currently one vote was traded for 3.7 mio EUR among the members of parliament. He looked at me with wonder rather than outrage - he had not expected a price so cheap.
Being the ignorant gora I asked once more for the precise schedule of the election, that I had not dared to insist on in front of my boss.
"Today!" was still the answer. Actually it changed later to a "postponed" until one of a sudden in the afternoon the loud voice of the speaker of the Lok Sabha was going through the walls of the office. Mr Singh had won the vote.

What you were changing me into

OK, I had a learningful time, know meanwhile more about my my metabolism than most people in the world learn in their entire life, receive compliments by doctors that I can describe my pain, symptoms and body functions in detail. I blogged more than ever before and received tremendous support by all kinds of people. But can now finally get this to an end? Can I finally get a new life and live in peace?

My doc asked me to keep him updated on what is happening with me. I wrote him. It might worry him more than it did myself. I got too used to this and yet am so fed up with it. I believe the hope in me, that now finally this medication might bring the cure. But I don't feel it. The last two days I actually felt too often the opposite. This bitch stole a good part of my weekend. And tomorrow I am supposed to go to work. I have to go. I have to prove myself that things are kind of normal, what they are not. But I keep trying - as I did for years as it seems.



Don’t stay
Forget what you were changing me into
(Just give me myself back and)
Don’t stay

How does it feel to be healthy?

The good news: I had 9 days in a row without seeing a doctor. The bad news: it was due to his busy schedule, not because I was any better. We had been in contact over mail though. One mail he had misread to be angry.
"I am not angry, I am just frustrated, don't take it personal." I explained him. "By comments like 'medicine is no mathematics' for example."
"I never said something like this!" he insisted, clearly stating in his voice that he would never even think such a stupid statement.
"No, your boss did." I replied.
He remained silent.

He than shortly came up with a possible diagnosis, but after a short Q&A dropped the idea. That was fast, I thought.

I went out tonight, met a friend and could not enjoy due to pain and illness. I believe in the new drug, but yet nothing good is happening. I feel the illness a bit stronger which is normal.

"How does it feel to be healthy?" I asked the doc this morning. Seriously I cannot judge which state I should hope for. For years I have been fighting little battles every day. Just thought that I am unfortunately facing more hard days than others. Why should I have thought, that what I go through is more than just a little every day annoyance?
I am too tired to write on. I will do later. I write here also, because it makes my efforts tangible to myself. But now I just want to do something, that thanks to my pills I can do much better than in all the past years: sleeping.

Again my head...

...is killing me. It feels like a cramp. It feels like sitting in an exam with all the questioned knowledge in your head, but due to the panic your memory is gone. But what usually lasts a few minutes in the head of a student, has been like this for the whole afternoon and evening.

The good news in between: I had been asked to see the new MC yesterday to shoot some pics. To my own surprise they were not even as bad as I had expected. And later in the night I was even cured or something similar for a few hours, as I posted. It was great.

Yesterday's high was only repeated for a short while after lunch today. But than it started again going down, and I was kind of crawling in my work, and even became lethargic for an hour or two.
I think the bitch is getting nostalgic, as in the past days most of the conditions that I have been through since March are making a short reappearance on stage. Maybe these symptoms just show up to bow a last time before the curtain falls for them for good and I finally get healed?

For whatever reason, I actually should now it better, be more realistic, but something is telling me that I am slowly moving towards the cure. I keep my optimism. We will have to see. My doc wrote me an email today, asking how the side effects were doing. I told him how well I was doing last night - and how bad the hours before. He wrote that given the fact that currently I am taking three different drugs at the same time, the one that failed (and is going to be ceased in a week ors so) could one of a sudden start working now that the new drug has been added.
This sounds as stupid as hillarious, as ironic as outrageous. Anyway, I think I had one pill too much today. I have to sleep now. Maybe I wake up tomorrow and my head is better - and my confidence in the art of medicine as well. And one of a sudden I am not as optimistic anymore...

I feel aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabsolutely fabulous

I have felt pain, blackouts, crisis, resignation, was stoned, euphoric and apathetic and last but not least feel every day why people can die with this illness. But now I just feel fabulous! And I enjoy. I called Tristan to ask if this came from the new medics. He said no, impossible, too early. I don't give a shit. I think this must be how healthy people feel. Or even better.

Ironically I told just a few hours back to Jih-Ming that I had to go home because I had a pain attack - and quite an ugly one. I had taken the emergency pill already last night, so taking it tonight would have been a bit risky (it can easily turn people addicted). But this problem has been solved it seems. I will feel like this again soon, I hope. I will feel like dying in between, but now I enjoy.

Here it goes again

Every time when I take a ride on a roller coaster, I ask myself why the heck I bought the ticket as soon as the wagon starts crawling up slowly the first wave. Today I feel a bit similar, but it has to be.

Yesterday I had the prescription in my mailbox and straightly went to the pharmacy "to ruin once more my health insurance" as I called it. I took the first pill this morning.
I have been advised not to read about the possible side effects. It can prevent the patients from feeling some of them. I wish my biggest sorrow was hypochondria.

Actually I prefer to know what is happening in my body while all this poison is flowing through it, but I give the advise a chance. As far as I remember, I have most of the side effects already anyway. That's actually almost all what I got out of the old medication! "Rocket fuel" my ass! It gave me energy, true. But in combination with the symptoms that it failed to make disappear, this can cause the worst. I felt something changing, but that its not enough. Or as a doc put it:
"You should feel great, and not kind of better!"

Bethlehem kahan hain?

At least I have a job offering me funny moments. Working as a translator does not only mean translating administrative letters and articles from French and German into English and vice versa. But also offering my skills in the local language during shopping - I mean at "the acquisition of furniture for the residence".

So me, two staff members and the driver drove into the outskirts of Bern. When we left the 4th shop or so, one of the staff said the next shop was in Bethlehem. "Do you know the way?" he asked me, as we were driving away from the car park.

There is no road on which I had not drove yet into my neighborhood. I got there by bike, car, bus, train, soon by tram and saw the place even from a plane more than once, and so now with a limousine with diplomat number plates.
But I never ever thought I would have to instruct the way how to get there to an Indian in my basic Hindi, like I used to explain my way home in Bombay to rickshaw drivers. "Sidhah, sidhah (straight), left, first right, sidhah, bass (stop)" - and we were there!
There were even two more things common with a usual ride in a Bombay rickshaw:
1) the driver did not know the way, as he is himself from a completely different place far far away
2) we got lost (not the driver's fault though, as there are plenty of building sites and deviations all around the place these days)

Pfuse

Is it the good weather? The fact that exams are over? Or has my blog become so boring that no one reads it? Anyway, it is time to blog again.

The cool thing about my job is that actually I am not too busy and slightly under challenged. This gives me the opportunity to train to organize myself and all the other things that usually get lost on the long way of delivery. I also learn a bit of the diplomatic grass root work, which seems mostly long letters containing as much formal French as little information. It is like doing the internship I never did during my studies. Times of crisis are also a time of second chance.

Meanwhile my doc went on vaccation. So yesterday I was sitting with her replacement during the weekly checkup. Ironically it was the same doc who treated me at my first appearance at the emergency department back on Easter. He had prescribed me the first drug and said that all that had been done since was as he had done it also. He checked symptoms and side effects and looked actually like he was doing maths on his sheet, with the final result on the bottom of the page, while listening.
In a nutshell: compared to the state that I should have given all the medication I have swallowed since March I feel, well absolutely pathetic. As bad as this conclusion was, I had already heard it three weeks back. Still he tried to convince me again of the new medication.
I interrupted him saying that I had full confidence into the art of medicine (a lie, as actually it has been severely challenged in recent times) and that I was not questionning the new medicine. But that I was asking myself, that now, where I finally started a new job, I feared that another three week horror trip with sside effects making my stomach and all other organs roller cost could actually cripple me for too long to keep the job.
"I know." he said, meaning that he could not change about it. Me neither. By the end of the day my health - and life (I wished I could call this an exaggeration, but for hell's sake it is not, even if I am lying to myself about it all day) - prime.
I am sick of being ill. I am sick of fearing about my life.

He said he would send me the prescription by mail, but that he would like me to do a test first. I should take the night pill already at 7:30 pm. It should make me feel better for the night until going into bed.
"I am going to fall asleep instantly." I opposed.
"No, no! This is only an effect in the beginning. Now you have taken the pill for so long, this effect should have weakened. Try it and send me an email how it went!"
So I took the pill at 7:32pm. Around 7:40pm I felt pretty good. Around 7:50pm I left the computer, because I felt too tired. I made myself comfy in front of the TV. At 8pm I was sleeping on the couch like a baby, until at 10pm my mum woke me up with her most motherly voice: "Sweetheart, why don't you sleep in your bed?" making me feel at least 25 years younger.

This afternoon I sent a 3 sentence mail to the doc explaining what happened. He answered in a page long email about the importance of sleep and suggested to take the pill 1 hour later. I take the pill now (10pm) - and expect simply to sleep - joyfully.

Too much information

I started to feel better and did not put it on the blog, because I don't want to blog all my life sometimes. Now I feel worse, and feel that I should not blog only negative stuff. I hate dilemmas.

To sum up the week: The job is cool, and I hope I can keep doing it. As much as I enjoy the work, I feel like shit in the evenings. And some symptoms came back, that worry me.
At the same time I feel some reflexes working again. An easy way for me to test my condition myself from time to time, and a clear sign that things might be changing for a better.

Tomorrow is a new checkup - new medication.
I just tried to inquire a bit on the new drug. Funny result:
1) Wiki sucks, as it is not giving the information I was looking for. At least the list of side effects is clearly shorter. Yawning is one of them.
2) the webforum for patients with my illness sucks as well. The patients writing there had a disagreement online on if the new drug makes them feel rather sleepy or awaken.
3) Tristan is a bigger help, as he is not only a friend but also a medical doctor. However, he said the new drug was "neutral" on the sleepiness-issue. Maybe he should ad his knowledge to the online discussion.
4) Last but not least I lost the patient information leaflet, that my doc printed out for me, so that I could think about the new treatment, before giving my agreement. I remember her telling me at the same time to stay away from Wikipedia and the webforum, as it might confuse me with too much irrelevant information - ups!

Memories

Funny! Just had a Swiss trainee on the phone. She is flying to Bombay tomorrow, where she is to stay for a day or two before catching the train to Baroda. I had given her a few contacts in Bombay. Simone, my old flatmate invited her to stay at my old flat in Vakola. "Sabi is going to explain you how to get there." She told her.
Had to reckon a bit before I remembered.
"Hire a prepaid taxi at the airport, pay the price they ask for, even if it will seem insane to you after a few weeks in India, and than tell the driver Vakola police station, than turn left and keep going on the main street until the wine shop appears on your left side and ask the driver 'first right', than 'first left' into that tiny street, reach the little square where the kids are playing cricket who shouted 'Sabi' every evening when I came from work, turn left, than right and than you are there. The flat is on the top floor."

This morning I felt at work a little home sick, like when being in India. After two seconds I realized that Switzerland is just in front of the building. This job is like flying to Bombay every morning and flying back in the evening. I just miss the fresh mosambi juice at my desk and the biryani for lunch.