Do you remember?
Do you remember when you were a little child and fell, bumped into something or cut yourself and cried out of pain? Do you remember the comfort that you received when your mum or any other grown-up gave you a hug and convinced you that the pain would go away? Do you remember that moment when your tears were yet not dried on your cheeks but you had realized it would get ok again?
This is how it feels. This is how it feels to see the bitch loosing the fight. This is how it feels getting back to normal, whatever that is. This is how it feels to slowly get the own health back. This nightmare is coming to an end.
I am not through yet. But the moments where I am ok are getting longer. It is not a few hours in the morning anymore but one or two days where I am fine. Every couple of days I again feel pain (like yesterday for example), every night I feel something is wrong with me (like now), but also the certainty that the following days are going to be fine (like today).
I am lucky to have a job where a few hours of being agonized by pain does not bother my daily schedule. I just close the door of my office. Actually now, with my mind starting to work clearer almost every day, the job seems even boring sometimes, but I am not complaining. The job is always ready to surprise me.
I thought getting healthy would make me feel invincible and strong. But first of all it clears my mind and sight. It also made me indifferent to so many things - what actually worries me right now - and melancholic with even more. I have to plan my next steps in life, now that I will have one. I also will have to decide how to deal with the illness in the future, my doc reminded me. There is bad news also. The perilousness remains "under control" but is yet not gone. There is still a path to go, I have to keep walking. I know I should not think about what I lost on the way, but still everyday I am reminded. Maybe it was too much to overcome under pain. Cleaning my room made me find too much trash that yet must be dumped.
I really wonder about the result of that blood test.
This is how it feels. This is how it feels to see the bitch loosing the fight. This is how it feels getting back to normal, whatever that is. This is how it feels to slowly get the own health back. This nightmare is coming to an end.
I am not through yet. But the moments where I am ok are getting longer. It is not a few hours in the morning anymore but one or two days where I am fine. Every couple of days I again feel pain (like yesterday for example), every night I feel something is wrong with me (like now), but also the certainty that the following days are going to be fine (like today).
I am lucky to have a job where a few hours of being agonized by pain does not bother my daily schedule. I just close the door of my office. Actually now, with my mind starting to work clearer almost every day, the job seems even boring sometimes, but I am not complaining. The job is always ready to surprise me.
I thought getting healthy would make me feel invincible and strong. But first of all it clears my mind and sight. It also made me indifferent to so many things - what actually worries me right now - and melancholic with even more. I have to plan my next steps in life, now that I will have one. I also will have to decide how to deal with the illness in the future, my doc reminded me. There is bad news also. The perilousness remains "under control" but is yet not gone. There is still a path to go, I have to keep walking. I know I should not think about what I lost on the way, but still everyday I am reminded. Maybe it was too much to overcome under pain. Cleaning my room made me find too much trash that yet must be dumped.
I really wonder about the result of that blood test.
posted by Sabi at 8:06 PM
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:-)
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