Fear

Tomorrow is my first working day. I am afraid I might fail. Why? I have nothing to lose. The doc said I should try. I decided to look how the first week goes.

Isn't fear the thing that makes us careful? That makes watch that we don't lose all the precious things that we have?

I always thought to have vanquished fear once and for all by having met death earlier in my life. But things would be too easy. In the end it is my fear that keeps me alive.

I am afraid of falling back into ignoring all warnings whispered to me by my body while trying to do my job. I have been doing so for years and look where it brought me. For months I had to tell myself now that I am too ill to challenge myself. Now I have to stand up again and see where my limits stand. I shall see. It could be a lot of fun in the end.

I went to Zumikon for the transition party. Again I was the photographer. Again I had a lot of fun. And I realised how much better I am compared to KickOff.
My state is much more stable and less painful, though I still have pain attacks (e. g. today midday).
Later this week we are going to change the medication. I decided to give my agreement. It shocks me how familiar I became with the life danger that I have been carrying with me for so long. I felt it becoming weaker, but never saw it disappear. I did not worry half as much as my doctors.
Yes, I even lost that fear of dying once or twice. The one that keeps me alive. I don't want that to happen again. I want to live! I will!