What if?
It has been two months now.
I survived another month. And for hell's sake, looking at the last days it was not easy. I thought I would wait with a new post until I feel better, but that would be too long of a break.
I even was going to stay at the hospital for a few days. But I realized that there I could not get anything what I would not have here at home as well, except a nurse within a 30 seconds reach, boring food, the disgusting smell of illness and strange room mates - in a nutshell an environment that makes me even more ill than I already am. I don't want to go to hospital, I thought about it intensively. All together I spent already 1 month of my life in hospitals. I prefer swallowing my medicine at home, which is in 15 minutes reach to the hospital.
I took some measures however, to always be on the safe side, no matter where I am and what time of the day or night it is and whatever condition I might drop into.
Last night I had dinner at a friend's place. He said, I would not look ill at all. Well thanks. This is not exactly the kind of comment that I need these days. I actually have trouble to make people understand that I am physically not able to commit for certain things. I already have trouble enough to say that I need help, don't make it even harder to me.
My healing takes too long, if there is any.
I said to Trisch after the first month already, that if I had my leg broken, I would already be rid of the plaster.
"Yes, but you could not walk!"
"Meanwhile I could walk!" I told him today!
"Yes, but yet you could not run." I hate it when he is right.
"Du muesch dir zyt lah..." he commented.
I was going to write something positive, but my attitude is too negative I feel. My state keeps changing, and in this very moment I feel quite ok. However, unlike the month before I did not really feel any improvement. The symptoms change, so do the side effects, the illness stays, teaching me lessons on how powerful it is.
This is as positive as it gets today: I don't think I am going to die in the end. But I feel death too close every day, to be rid of the question "What if?".
I survived another month. And for hell's sake, looking at the last days it was not easy. I thought I would wait with a new post until I feel better, but that would be too long of a break.
I even was going to stay at the hospital for a few days. But I realized that there I could not get anything what I would not have here at home as well, except a nurse within a 30 seconds reach, boring food, the disgusting smell of illness and strange room mates - in a nutshell an environment that makes me even more ill than I already am. I don't want to go to hospital, I thought about it intensively. All together I spent already 1 month of my life in hospitals. I prefer swallowing my medicine at home, which is in 15 minutes reach to the hospital.
I took some measures however, to always be on the safe side, no matter where I am and what time of the day or night it is and whatever condition I might drop into.
Last night I had dinner at a friend's place. He said, I would not look ill at all. Well thanks. This is not exactly the kind of comment that I need these days. I actually have trouble to make people understand that I am physically not able to commit for certain things. I already have trouble enough to say that I need help, don't make it even harder to me.
My healing takes too long, if there is any.
I said to Trisch after the first month already, that if I had my leg broken, I would already be rid of the plaster.
"Yes, but you could not walk!"
"Meanwhile I could walk!" I told him today!
"Yes, but yet you could not run." I hate it when he is right.
"Du muesch dir zyt lah..." he commented.
I was going to write something positive, but my attitude is too negative I feel. My state keeps changing, and in this very moment I feel quite ok. However, unlike the month before I did not really feel any improvement. The symptoms change, so do the side effects, the illness stays, teaching me lessons on how powerful it is.
This is as positive as it gets today: I don't think I am going to die in the end. But I feel death too close every day, to be rid of the question "What if?".
posted by Sabi at 9:21 PM
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