Dangerous times
My state is more and more stable, my attitude has changed a bit.
My doc was happy on Monday: she liked last week's post and my reaction in situation's where I feel my life under threat.
Luckily the intervals between my emergency calls at the hospital become longer. 13 days is the current record.
But we also saw that I am still not at the point, where I could announce that I kicked death's ass for good. Believe me, there is nothing that makes you feel more invincible. But this time we are not there yet.
The fact that I am relatively stable now however, actually triggers the dangerous illusion sometimes I was cured already. This happened too often when I faced the "bitch" earlier in my life. I paid a high price each time. I still have hard times accepting how ill I am.
I was at the Zurich CareerDays yesterday, as they needed a photographer. Later went to Geneva for an Alumni meet. I have been given much advice on my future. But I am just not in a state where I could move on. There is a reason why one of my docs forbid me to attend any job interview in my current state. I tried to talk to some companies in Zurich, but had hard times to hide my trembling hand. I tried to have a proper conversation with them, but struggled in building clear sentences sometimes. What are these drugs doing to me, who are they making out of me? It is actually the bitch itself.
Everything has its positive effects though. My memory is also limited these days, hence I completely forgot about the score. In a nutshell: it will yet take a while, despite all my efforts. Tomorrow the next appointment at the hospital. I bet some new drug dose is going to be the result.
My doc was happy on Monday: she liked last week's post and my reaction in situation's where I feel my life under threat.
Luckily the intervals between my emergency calls at the hospital become longer. 13 days is the current record.
But we also saw that I am still not at the point, where I could announce that I kicked death's ass for good. Believe me, there is nothing that makes you feel more invincible. But this time we are not there yet.
The fact that I am relatively stable now however, actually triggers the dangerous illusion sometimes I was cured already. This happened too often when I faced the "bitch" earlier in my life. I paid a high price each time. I still have hard times accepting how ill I am.
I was at the Zurich CareerDays yesterday, as they needed a photographer. Later went to Geneva for an Alumni meet. I have been given much advice on my future. But I am just not in a state where I could move on. There is a reason why one of my docs forbid me to attend any job interview in my current state. I tried to talk to some companies in Zurich, but had hard times to hide my trembling hand. I tried to have a proper conversation with them, but struggled in building clear sentences sometimes. What are these drugs doing to me, who are they making out of me? It is actually the bitch itself.
Everything has its positive effects though. My memory is also limited these days, hence I completely forgot about the score. In a nutshell: it will yet take a while, despite all my efforts. Tomorrow the next appointment at the hospital. I bet some new drug dose is going to be the result.
posted by Sabi at 7:58 PM
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