Popping the bubble
From a medical point of view it was not clear if it would make sense for me to attend KickOff in whichever way. I remained stubborn, maybe to feel better, or just to prove to myself that I do not give in to my illness. I prepared well and promised my doctor to catch the train as soon as it would be necessary. I believed in the fact that I could stand above this illness!
For anyone who has been an active member within AIESEC in Switzerland, Fiesch will always remain a place soaked with memories. It were these memories who constantly remembered me who I was and what little I have become.
For f***'s sake, I was one of the leaders of this organization, left a footprint that even today I can see and now I am not even able to concentrate for longer than 2 minutes in a discussion about its future due to my illness. I always felt empowered facilitating, because I enjoyed so much the interaction with the audience and felt how I could bring in my expertise and experience. Now I feel tortured when I try to organize my mind for only 30 minutes in a session delivering the message I was asked for or just to share some anecdotes of my India experience in front of future interns. My memory refuses the job, I struggle completing thoughts and sentences or answering questions spontaneously.
In the closing faci meeting I realized that unlike them I did not feel positive at all but simply proved of my poor physical and mental state. The last hours of the conference I spent in pure pain. My only achievement was that I hid it in front of all the others (or what I sometime call standing above the illness), took my pics. Anna saw though that something is wrong with me. I do not want to burden others with my illness, but always fear I do. They could not help me anyway. I am an idiot to say this!
On the other hand, I had also positive moments during the conference: I took 1,191 pictures. I already uploaded a little batch on facebook (friends of me can see them), though I do not like doing this, as it will take time until the end of the week to edit and sort all the pics to make them look appropriate. Not to mention that some pics are not meant for the public.
I also met with a lot of people that I had not seen in a while. Last but not least I was given a lot of support and sympathy. People do read this blog. People do feel with me. People do praise me for the war I am fighting. I am full of gratitude for this.
It seems not only my concentration is crippled, but under pain also the ability to see the good things. Actually it is a well known symptom of the illness.
Meanwhile the medication starts working the first half of the day. That includes the 10 hours that I spend sleeping (I am to take the pill before going to bed). In practice I spend the morning with a clear mind, without pain and fear but with hope and confidence. It is 2pm now. Hell will break out soon.
I do not want to die, but I am tired as well. Ironically it is the illness itself that steals me the patience and calm that I would need now. The one I have always been praised for.
For anyone who has been an active member within AIESEC in Switzerland, Fiesch will always remain a place soaked with memories. It were these memories who constantly remembered me who I was and what little I have become.
For f***'s sake, I was one of the leaders of this organization, left a footprint that even today I can see and now I am not even able to concentrate for longer than 2 minutes in a discussion about its future due to my illness. I always felt empowered facilitating, because I enjoyed so much the interaction with the audience and felt how I could bring in my expertise and experience. Now I feel tortured when I try to organize my mind for only 30 minutes in a session delivering the message I was asked for or just to share some anecdotes of my India experience in front of future interns. My memory refuses the job, I struggle completing thoughts and sentences or answering questions spontaneously.
In the closing faci meeting I realized that unlike them I did not feel positive at all but simply proved of my poor physical and mental state. The last hours of the conference I spent in pure pain. My only achievement was that I hid it in front of all the others (or what I sometime call standing above the illness), took my pics. Anna saw though that something is wrong with me. I do not want to burden others with my illness, but always fear I do. They could not help me anyway. I am an idiot to say this!
On the other hand, I had also positive moments during the conference: I took 1,191 pictures. I already uploaded a little batch on facebook (friends of me can see them), though I do not like doing this, as it will take time until the end of the week to edit and sort all the pics to make them look appropriate. Not to mention that some pics are not meant for the public.
I also met with a lot of people that I had not seen in a while. Last but not least I was given a lot of support and sympathy. People do read this blog. People do feel with me. People do praise me for the war I am fighting. I am full of gratitude for this.
It seems not only my concentration is crippled, but under pain also the ability to see the good things. Actually it is a well known symptom of the illness.
Meanwhile the medication starts working the first half of the day. That includes the 10 hours that I spend sleeping (I am to take the pill before going to bed). In practice I spend the morning with a clear mind, without pain and fear but with hope and confidence. It is 2pm now. Hell will break out soon.
I do not want to die, but I am tired as well. Ironically it is the illness itself that steals me the patience and calm that I would need now. The one I have always been praised for.
posted by Sabi at 12:38 PM
3 Comments:
i enjoyed the small conversations that we had during kickoff. just give me a call when you feel like having a drink. or two.
take care!
yeah me too, always up for a drink :) thanks for keeping me company in the randomness that is the alumni stage... or is it a stage even?? lueg zu dir und bis gli
Thanks to both of you!This means a lot to me.
My medication allows actually the parallel consumption of alcohol as KickOff has proved!
Post a Comment
<< Home