I hate it!!!!

I hate waking up with a shock every morning. I hate it not getting out of bed before 11am due to my medicine! I hate becoming verbally aggressive with people who actually care about me! I hate being honest with people, just because I made a promise to myself when I felt close to death few weeks back! I hate going through checklists with doctors in order to find out if the medication works at all or not! I hate not to be able to feel hope without facing disappointment right after. I hate not being able to plan my future, because my illness kills my ability to plan things! I hate sitting here and thinking of calling the hospital's emergency department or just hoping that in 5 minutes it's gonna be over! I hate you bitch for taking my life hostage and trying to sell it so cheap!

And here the good news (I have to keep my promises):
The paragraph above made me feel better. I don't think I will go to hospital tonight. I have already been there today for my regular checkup. Nothing seems life threatening. I felt better yesterday and this morning after a 1 week low. I hope it is not gone, I will see. I also swam a mile again after the hospital.