Not surfaced yet

201 days to go. I should accelerate speed. I should fix an official starting point. I should boil down the arguments to a reasonable level. Communication was never our biggest strength. Our successes tend to be seen as just given. I am the one who must make sure that we are seen. it is so much work, but I know once it's started it is going to be the most tirening fun. I am still looking forward to it. I know this is going to be great.

Starting off

It has been three years now.

I had set up everything for a new blog already some while ago, but never started posting over there. It was meant to become a different kind of blog. Not about me, but about the world we live in. Today would be a good day to start with it.

The campaign was launched last night. It is 211 days to go. I am not even properly in charge. But I should take my chance, I missed the right time last year. 2010 was so uneventful, apart of one tragedy. 2011 shall be better. Much better.

The war

Like in Hanoi also in Saigon there is a war museum. It starts with the usual American warfare exhibition outside the building. For a plane spotter like me or a former soldier like Thomas there was a certain fun in posing in front of a piston engined aircraft or a armored troop transport.
Inside the building however, the museum shows in the most honest way what war really is: a barbaric killing and rarely legitimated waste of human life. Pictures show battlefields with death soldiers from both sides, civilian casualties, tortured prisoners, and today's victims of the war, mostly children born without limbs or other deformations caused by toxic remains of the war. A strong emphasis was also put on the opposition the war in Vietnam caused in countries all over the world. It was also explained in detail how many journalists and photographers lost their lives in the conflict. Surprising considering the fact that free press is not exactly common in today's Vietnam.
Last but not least there was much information about war crimes committed by Western soldiers and South Vietnamese Soldiers. War crimes committed by the North Vietnamese were not mentioned unsurprisingly (eg. the brutal killing of 5,000 civilians in Hue during its short occupation). That would lead us again to the free press issue, but I should not be smug here. Instead of that a simple figure: the American trauma out of the war is well known and repeatedly discussed in Western culture even today. On the other hand, for every American soldier that died here, 50 Vietnamese (soldiers, old men, women and children) lost their lives.

My plane back home leaves in a few hours, and we still wanted to eat something. The three weeks here were maybe not what we planned originally, but who's complaining? We had the best street food ever, saw landscapes from foggy mountaintops to bright lagoons and thick jungle. We met people who could hardly speak with us, but we still managed understand or make understand us. We met tourists locking themselves up in a golden cage and those traveling on a budget. And almost everyone had changed his plans on the way. But no one here was unhappy with the decisions they had made, the lessons they had learned. Not the many Australians of all ages who seems to love this placxe, not the many Americans who came here to see where their fathers had been fighting for their freedom, as they believed, not the Swiss who were just fleeing the comfort of their home.

Saigon

So we reached our very last destination: Saigon. We checked in to the Continental Hotel, a place with some history: Graham Green wrote The Quiet American in this place.

We did not have the time to explore the city yet, and the sun is already setting. But instead we completed this morning our tour through the Mekong Delta. We were guided through different workshops prducing this and that, handicraft and candies (from coconuts and popped rice), visited a snake farm and watched a traditional performance. Gosh, this must sound like I was sixty. Anyway, I am on vaccation.

The most annoying thing that happened to me though is a really nasty one: I lost one of my (full) memory cards: roughly 300 pics from our first day in Hanoi, the Lenine statue, the war museum.

Switzerland is waiting for me. I gave a thought on what lays in front of me the next few weeks, and it's going to be some busy ones. All related to hobbies and voluntary work though. And my next trip to Asia is already on the horizon early next year.

Where am I?

Maybe we are on the road for too long by now. I don't even know the place we are in. Somewhere on the Mekong Delta. We reached Saigon this morning and were picked up instantly by our guide who drove us to this place. After 4 hours of drive, a walk through Vietcong tunnels and 3 hours of cruise on the Mekong we are now resting. The guide warned us, that not many tourists stay here overnight. No problem for us. This should save us from being ripped off with bad food and make our stay a bit more authentic.

We found a post office (whith an ATM useless to us) and an internet cafe. the internet shops here seem to be the meeting points for all the local youth. When you enter you feel like in a Japanese gambling hall. All youngsters sitting at the computers with head sets on playing jump-and-run games or similar through the www. Another interesting detail: The closer we get to the border each time, the less there is connectivity to facebook. I don't know if it's blocked (in most cities we were it's not), but like in SaPa (near the Chinese border) here near Cambodia facebook would not load. Anyway, just an interesting fact rather than a problem. Unfortunatley I cannot log into my email either, which is disturbing.

We left Da Nang yesterday at 1:30 pm by train. The train was surprisingly empty. In our neighboring compartment a French guy had the same thought as us: Food! We thought there might be a restaurants car on the train, so we headed off into the direction one of the many ticket collectors told us. When we arrived at the very end of the train wefound the door closed. Another staff told us in sign language, that the cooks were sleeping and signaled us to try again at 3 o'clock. So hours later we found the door open and inside the restaurant its staff: gambling! They quickly explained that food would not be available before 6 pm. So again we headed back to our seats. Around 4 o'clock food was distrubuted to some local passengers, so again we headed for the restaurant. There the cook was a bit confused and challenged, as she could not understand what we were asking for. I asked for a menu but Thomas showed me a whiteboard on the wall, with 3 choices in Vietnamese and some prices. Eventually again sign language lead to the right guess, and minutes later we received a pot of rice each with some vegetables and beaf in it. Last but not least I could use the only word I knew in the local language to solve the only remaininvg issue: "Bia." I said and instantly the cook ran away to come back with two cans of cold Saigon Beer.

The beach

I admit, the original plan was to backpack through this country, but cheap prices, extensive experiences in the field of backpacker travel and maybe also our age made us conclude, that booking a beach resort in Hoi An as our place to stay was not such a bad idea. So here we are: hotel ownded beach, pools, a sinful breakfast buffet and free shuttles into the city, in a nutshell a golden cage.

Tristan, who visited this country earlier this year, and Snowby both showed surprise about my transformation from a socialist into a "Schroeder" or caviar-socialist. What's the point? Just because I praise the solidarity with the weak or the poor in society I don't have to abstain from luxury when it is available.

Interestingly we did not bump into any Swiss in the first two weeks of our journey. This changed yesterday. An old couple in the hotel and a young one at a food stall came out as compatriots. The first had booked a full package for the resort we are staying in, the latter were backpacking as we are. Like us, they had different plans originally, but than spontaneously changed them (for a 5 day motorbike trip in their case) and never regretted.
Time abroad, no matter we are from, always teaches us gratefully, that there is a different way approaching life than that we do at home.

A short bike trip to the city nearby taught us some nice lessons. First we wanted to rent two bikes, but than we were explained that they cannot be rented, only lent. When we arrived in the city and after some shopping, we left the bikes next to a coffee shop, where we would have coffee and cake. After a while the shop owner came to us, and asked if those bikes were ours. we said yes and first thought they might be disturbing him where they were. "Nono!" he answered. "I just wanted to ask if I could lend one for 5 minutes, to buy some flowers."

Food and water

Hue is considered as the gourmet capital of Vietnam. And we took full advantage of this. We tried possibly all dishes around here in our two days. In addition we discovered a restaurant run by a Vietnamese-French couple. Do I have to say more?

Today we joined a tour through all the royal tombs spread all over the surroundings of Hue. The rain again added a spectacular atmosphere to the venues. Unfortunately the weather turned even worse and soaked us more than once today. Ironically yesterday we were making fun of our mates at home who have to deal with 8 degrees cold. But that was before we were washed away.
Interestingly, we did not bump into any Swiss since we arrived here. It's not that we miss them, but usually sooner or later you meet compatriots in ANY corner of the world (a friend of mine went for vacation to Kamchatka once and even there he met a group of fellow citizens).

I remarked that my blog is a bit different to my posts that I did on India a few years before. Probably because I travel this country as a tourist sitting in his bubble, hardly getting to talk to the locals (except when they try to sell me something). On the other hand I came here for vacation, not to live here (unlike India in 2007). I don't go to see a doctor or to register with the authorities. Anyway, some observations I do are typical for an emerging country: plenty of building sights along the roads and tracks, new bridges built etc. Others are typical for a communist country, like the pioneer style uniforms the youth is wearing here. Or the red flags all over public buildings, the propaganda posters promising a prosperous future to the workforce or the loud speakers everywhere, that in Hanoi all day chanted the same marching songs.
Some say Communism died in 1989 (or 1991 when the USSR passed away). On the other hand China is America's biggest creditor, so who defeated whom in the end?

Tomorrow we leave for Hoi An, where we are going to stay for 3 days.

The little gifts of culture

The rain continues, but Monsoon rain always has an additional beauty in it - a little comfort when you are soaked to the bones under it, but still.

We came here to Hue by night train. The travel agent in Hanoi was completely desperate, as she could not find us any other places than two in a 6 berth compartment. Both, Snowby and me, we did travel this way already all over Europe, so we opted for it rather than for a domestic flight. The only difference we eventually saw was that the train was mostly booked with locals, while all other compartments with less beds were booked by foreign tourist. The rest was a crash course in Vietnamese culture. As we entered the compartment. our four travel mates for the following 16 hours were already there. A family with a young girl suffering from polio. Snowby had bought a little toy figure as souvenir earlier that day. In order to break the ice he wanted to show the figure to the girl and handed it over to her when greeting.
"You know you just presented her with it?" I asked him. He silently thought for himself and realized the misunderstanding. But how to communicate diplomatically that there was a misunderstanding without knowing the language? He did not bother and indeed it broke the ice. The rest of the journey we were repeatedly offered food and understanding.

Snowby remarked something about me on this journey, that I was not aware of that it was so obvious to others. First I am not a morning person, but second, I start to come to splendid mood the closer the night falls. Unfortunately he is rather the opposite, though this has the good effect on both on us, that constantly we keep eachother moving when on the road. However, at 11pm on the train I still did not feel like going to sleep. I first crushed out in the soft seat car next to our sleeping wagon and read through the guide books while shuffling on my ipod. Who would have thought on our first such trip in 1996 that one day we would have the possibility to carry our entire CD collection and even more with us everywhere. On my way to the bathroom I bumpede into a European looking girl and asked her if there was a restaurants car. "Yes" she said. "We are there having a few beers, you can join us if you want." So I ended up in a sleepy train full of snorring tourists and locals with the last 4 people standing. A Bavarian and an English girl, a dude from Ireland who had not been seen so far by his travel mates drinking anything but beer or vodka on his trip and a young local student on his way from Hanoi to Hue. The local taught a bit about the culture here: first, women should neither drink nor smoke (the two girls were not much impressed though). Second, after having had the Chinese occupying the country for 1000 years (before it was run over by the French, the Americans and again the Chinese) they are not really welcome here. Who would blame the locals. "(The Chinese) are arrogant." he also stated. However, is there a country that wouldn't say this about their neighbours in the largest country next to the own?

Observations

Back in Hanoi. We are slowly running out of sites in this city, but we had to cross through anyway. Tomorrow night we continue the journey to Hue.

Today started with rain, LOTS of rain! It's kinda rain season, meaning it's kinda raining for an hour or so most of the days. I survived two Monsoons in India, so this should be manageble. Talking about India: for a change we went for dinner to an Indian restaurant last night. Thomas asked me what was "actually fascinating" me about India and what makes me love it. Good question! My first answer was, that I actually don't love India, to be honest, but in any case the country does not leave you untouched.

The train ride today lasted 10 hours. Lot of time to read (I finished my first book) and to think and think even more, about this and that and more. I guess that's what vaccation is for. Some people do it on lying on a beach, I do it on an overstaffed train with fenced windows driving through North Vietnamese jungle and rice fields.
I took the occasion to observe the people in our wagon (we were the only foreigners on the train it seemed). The culture is a bit hard to reach, as most of the people speak no English. I read the family is both anchor and burden of each individual in the society. Still there is life and joy all around. It seems more relaxed than the lethargy one meets in India. And it is far less stiff than the formal kindness I saw everywhere in Japan. At all the places we were, train, restaurants, cities, foreigners seems physically or socially separated, but there seems no hierarchy or judgement. The locals sit happy in their own crowd, share food, jokes and stories.

Time is up, more to follow later...

In the fog

So we arrived in Sa Pa, even though the arrival was not very welcoming. An authoritarian ticket clerc woke us up in the night train art 5:20 am, and insisted that the train had reached its final destination. In front of the railway station an army of cab drivers suggested us trips in astronomical price range (well, by Vietnam standards at least, in general almost everything is damned cheap here). After a one hour curvy drive up the mountains and through the night we reached Sa Pa. This is a mountain resort. The French, who came here in the 19th Century, called it their Alps and put resorts up here.

When we were dropped off at the village center by houer drivers, we started the search for our pre-booked hotel. Lonely-Planet maps are not the most accurate, and the fact that the current tourist boom turned half of the place into a building site did not help. But eventually we found our hotel. It name "Auberge" gives away how long back it was built. And the owner probably was the same back than. He is too old to understand English, but fluent in French.

The weather is foggy and rainy. Yesterday we saw a picture of this place in splendid weather, while sitting on the terrace of a "panoramic" restaurant with 25m visibility. Still what the fog steals from the view it adds to the place in almost mystic atmosphere. Today we went for a hike, joint by a guide. The weather was rainy, sunny windy and foggy at the smae time, what turned the terraces of the rice fields and the whole valleys into a scenic play of lights and shadows.

What's next? Well tomorrow we head back for Hanoi on the daytrain. Train connections make us stick there for another day, but maybe that gives us the finakl chance to see the death body of "Uncle Ho", as he is called here. After that we continue for Hue, the old royal city. But now we shall head on for dinner.

On the run

Two days at Ha Long Bay without internet on a cruise. Now on the run to catch the train to Sa Pa in the mountains. No time for blogging. The quintesecnce so far? We are in Asia, however:Snowby, who regularly travels to Japan, should stop constantly bending when thanking for something. And me, I should stop trying to speak in Hindi with the locals...

Dangers and annoyances

Someone told me, that Chinese people always head for good food first when being in a strange place. Well, that makes us Chinese probably. We are experimenting and trying this and that, and all of it is just delicious!

Today we took a second attempt in seeing Ho Chi Minh`s death body. But again the mausoleum was closed. The good news about it: it is because Hanoi is celebrating its 1000th anniversary this week. Lot of parades and festivals going on or being prepared for the weekend. However, the city indeed is not overrun with tourists. Oddly most of them seem either from France or Australia.

So what did we see instead of HCM? Well, we hit by accident the Swiss Embassy. Unfortunately Thomas made a remark about our homecountry to his driver, who in exchange appreciated the reason to rip him off. People all over the world know we have the money, and some are trying to take an advantage. Yet this was the first annoyance in a week. I expected far more.

Last but not least i should stop constantly comparing Vietnam with India! Must be a habit that will be hard to kill, but I`ll get there, maybe tomorrow...

Back on the road

So we landed in Hanoi safely. And once we made it to the customs, I asked Snowby: "any idea how we get into the city?"
"No, zou?"
"Let s ask the guidebooks..."
So we ended up with the choice between random taxi drivers (a guaranteed rip off), registred taxi drivers (boring) and the public bus system of Hanoi (cheap as mud and challenging). Of course we went for the latter. And it was worth it!

The horning, the traffic, the motor bikes, the odours. It all reminds me somehow of India and all the other places seen so far on this continent. For the first time after a long while I was again in a culture completely unknown to me. And I loved it. I had forgotten how familiar I am with being a stranger.

I read about this countrz, that it is much less touristy than most countries in the area, and it is true. One is approached rather with the curiosty that people have about new guests, rather than the athempt of ripping one off (like eg. in Thailand, South Bombay or Agra).

Being back in a Communist country for the first time, since my dad fled the Peoples Republic of Hungary (my choice of destination is probably beyond him) made me reckon a bit. I saw the Lenin statue today, but also a Gucci store, and constantlty we here propaganda music from loud speakers in the streets. But by the end of the day it is not North Korea, however, just another totalitaristic dictatorship turning into a tourist paradise, while sticking to the old system. Time is up, see zou later.

Vietnam

It's Asia once more!

I think this might be a good occasion to reactivate this blog . I just sent out a job application and they were asking for writing samples. So once an HR person is going to look at this website anyway, why not feeding it on the occasion?

A journey of 10 000 miles starts with the first step, the Chinese say. That step is only one night away. I wonder what this journey will bring me (apart of a truckload of pictures as usual). Snowby (Thomas), my companion for this trip, and me figured out two days ago, that we had not prepared much so far about our itinerary: we fly into Hanoi tomorrow, and fly out of Saigon 3 weeks after. We have a hotel for the first two nights, that's it. I want to see Ho Chi Minh's body (10 years after having been refused to see Mao's).

A date I will always remember

It has been two years now.

There is not much to say i think.One full year of splendid health! Ok, some very short interruptions in between, but i cannot complain. But I don't want to forget either.
Two friends are currently going through the same as I did. I know they will manage. I hope they know it too. Seeing others going through the same challenge that I did brought back many unpleasant memories, but also shaped my conscious about how far behind all this is from me.

I don't feel like writing anything more here. Anyway, blogging is a bit out of fashion these days. I thought of starting a new one, or closing this for good, or both, or neither...

Flashback

I set myself the goal to write these days at least once monthly. The month ends in my part of the world in roughly 20 minutes...

For the first time I did some grass root political campaigning yesterday. I liked, no I loved it. Politics is nothing but hard work and the need not to take things personal. Be visible. Talking about which: I got elected. So after years of absence I am again on the executive body of something. All AIESECers ask me of what I am in charge of in my new position. This question is so AIESEC! I simply have not clarified yet, what I want to be in charge of - which is ok with all the others in the team. I still have the choice between traffic and campaigning. We shall see.

I just made a little flashback into two years ago. Nostalgia is the very last thing that I feel. But a friend of mine is in a very similar situation right now, as I was in back than. You just have to believe, that it will come to an end, even if you don't feel it. No, I am not nostalgic at all, but sometimes it is good to remember the bad times. Because it makes you feel so much better in the whatever kind of times you are in right now.

On my agenda

Boy, it's been a while since my last blogpost. It is actually just the beginning of a new year that tempts me to write something here. I must admit, my life did not treat me with anything extraordinary worth mentioning in the last three months (at least not with anything I felt the need to blog about).

The last year has been gratefully less challenging than the one before. In fact, I managed to achieve three little dreams at last, that I had been carrying with me for so long: a trip to NYC, my own flat and before all a splendid health. I made some new friends, neglected some others. I set a few steps towards a new future and see the next chapters or option on the horizon.
I neglected the job seek in the end of the year, but something else stole my priorities.

My new year's resolutions? I should not post him here. But I have quite a full agenda for the first 3 months, I just saw (I actually have an agenda, weird enough actually).

Unpacking

I moved in. A friend asked me for pics of the new flat. "Why don't you come and look yourself?" was my answer. I can actually host now people. Something that would have been rather complicated in the old place.

What surprises me the most (and all people who know me probably): The flat is tidy and clean. Everything has its place and nothing lays around. I lack a bit of furniture yet, but my second trip to Lyssach is already scheduled. Getting rid of the white walls will be a harder issue. I still have to choose the pics I want to hang up. Maybe I will constantly be changing them anyway.

Autumn has come and I realised that I achieved three major goals this year already, that I had dreamed about for so long. The next ones are waiting already. Step by step, but I am getting there.

My life into boxes

In two days I will have moved. I started wrapping up stuff and packing already days ago. My room looks like after a bomb blast. People who know me know that I tend not to throw away too much stuff. So here I pay for it. I have shit loads of stuff. I find expired vouchers, unopened mail from years ago, pictures out of 11 years of travel and photography, my huge collection of AIESEC badges, aviation memorabilia and love letters from people who my heart had almost forgotten about.

Usually I ask myself when the right moment for something has come, and usually I spend way too much time doing so. But this time others put up the question, while I have no doubt. Others say (and I even agree) it is way overdue to move, and a handful of people doubts if it is the right moment.

I regularly find pictures of people on facebook who I mostly have no other contact with but through that network. They get married, travel, get new jobs, move away from or back into their home country, have kids. Facebook is not very helpful for social interaction. I know so many things (and I am not stalking on anyone, never did) that I would have preferred to have learnt through talking and chatting with people rather than through a news feed.

To be honest I am trying to write something meaningful again, but maybe it is just too late in the night. Apart of my packing the week was not very eventful. But I am looking forward to a few events in the near future. Bee is coming to town. Some other people remind me that I could actually hopp over to India once more maybe next (Indian) summer, visiting people. I still have Jaipur, Srinagar and Amritsar on my "to travel list".

Screening

I found a little mistake in my post from two days ago, so as I have to update the blog anyway, I also write a few lines.

Blogging is not anymore what it used to be. In other words, it is "so wevb 1.0". Anyway I spend too much time in front of computers. I make my living watching a screen most of the time and do the same thing at home. My two biggest hobbies include computers. Maybe it is not such a good idea to buy a TV as first piece of furniture for the new flat either. I hardly watched TV in Geneva and did survive. But than I hardly spent any time in my flat either.

Writing about hobbies: I am constantly thinking of how to furbish and decorate my flat. After shooting all these pics I maybe want to frame one or two to decorate my walls. This would be a good occasion to screen through my 3500 pics that I shot in New York. So here I am back sitting in front of a screen again.

Initiative

The better I feel, the less I blog and the less I do sports. I really want to blog, but what?

Ok, some news first: I have a flat. Looking for one surprisingly showed me what beautyful flats there are in this city. However, the best flat of all I saw on the first day of my seek - and did not get it. But I got the next one. Only when I went to see it for the second time to plan my compulsory trip to Lyssach/BE I learnt why: I was the only applicant.
Seriously: what is wrong with a flat in Bethlehem? OK, one third of the population is immigrant, but so am I, hence what should I fear? Actually I am convinced that what this neighborhood needs for the sake of a better integration policy is more Swiss. Besides that the flats here are 30% cheaper than in the rest of the city. And last but not least, even for an atheist it sounds cool to live next door to the church of Bethlehem.

Other changes in my life I might have not pushed strongly enough. Job seek for example. I could blame it on the lethargy surrounding me, but there is no excuse basically. Anyway I am leaving behind one half of the lethargy, so why not getting rid of the other half as well?

Anyway, while we cannot predict our lives, we can still have pretty much of influence on it. At least in the culture I live in (maybe not the one I work in, but that's a different story). And if we don't take the initiative, life will take it. This remembers me of the fact, that maybe I was lying about my regrets in my last post. I do regret. I give anything to live certain moments in health once more. It's not a trauma or something, I just find it a pity let's say.

What did I say about life taking the initiative? Oh yes, I wanted to add the following: I love you, I really do. And you will never know. We were not meant to happen, hence it is not going to. Just a foolish crush. It will be over soon. It already is.

No regrets

If I have to sum up this week, than first of all two people come to my mind, who I had wished I could help them, but maybe I am not meant to do so, maybe. In one case i feel bad, because I tried do help and it did not chenge, and in one case I feel bad, because I feel I should not do so. I feel a moral dilemmas. I also feel the ability to judge and decide. The poisonous doubt that was always there has gone. My life is mine.

I realized also this week how much more I could have achieved, if I had always had the health that I have now. Don't take me wrong. There is no regrets. Well, there is not much at least. But it made me understand why I feel the need to hang out with the younger crowd. How many times in my life I realised, that the people around me moved on, accelerated the speed with which they embraced their challenges, while I just saw that that speed was too fast for me to live. I understand so many failures now. And I have the certainty about my abilities. A priviledge I think.

Maybe I write too much about how good I feel here. But I used to write all the bad here always until it would not go away. The good deserves its place as well.

Lifeline

I was going to post something already days ago but did not know what. I wrote a post but than decided it was not appropriate to publish. Anyway, blogging seems outdated these days I see looking at my friends.

However, this morning I heard this song and thought it showed exactly how I felt. I feel energy, new horizons. This is nothing new, I know. But still, in spite of my atheism and all that goes with it, I am just grateful. I feel my life and the energy to live it in me every day. I feel and see the opportunities, my free choice of living them or finding new ones. So this is what life is about. I have an own know.
so this is that feeling of success when you realize that you succeeded to kick death's ass. I did it - twice. I am proud. A pity this kind of experience, no matter how learningful it is, does not belong in a CV. I would not even dare to put my blog into my CV, no matter how much it tells about my "internet skills".

I have gained this gift called health, I swear, I won't give it back so easily.

Liberties

I just love this snap from yesterday! My niece had 3 hours of fun and giggling on the Gurten hill and 10 seconds of tears after her splash into the pond. A fair deal for her I would say.

Yes, I have been back from NYC for a while now. Actually I have even been to Brussels since than. I would love to post some pics here, but I am not there yet. I regularly have to explain the difference between my way of taking pictures and the way of, let's say, an average pink olympus compact camera. And the truth is: I have the liberty to intervene several times between pushing the button and ending up with a jpeg picture, using creativity and/or editing software. The liberties we have enrich our life, give us power on our own destiny. However, one should not get lost between the liberties. The liberty not to choose is a luxury most of us cannot afford, hence useless. Anyway, I had a great time in New York.

One good example for liberties I cannot afford is my seek for jobs. If my strength is in dealing with people, interacting with them, building bridges accross cultures, than I should not waste these skills in a job that expects me to sit in an office on my own the entire day. I am good in dealing with the challenges thrown at me, but not in finding and approaching new ones. I feel comfortable seeing all options in a situation, but I will have hard times getting a clear decision. Again, too much liberty is too much of luxury for me.

Last but not least: why bothering about songs where embedding is forbidden. More than enough people kindly cover the same songs - and some are really great in doing this.

Central Park

Today I strolled the whole day in Central Park, nothing else (ok, I visited MoMA and Guggenheim Museum next door). When I came back to the hostel I eventually found out who my new rommates are (they were too hung over/jetlagged when I left this morning to convey): they are from France and instantly invited me to join them for a concert in the village. Again I went to a place without big expectations and was overwhelmed. A great concert in a modest talent shop in the "village". Did I mention that I love this city?

Good place to visit - tough place to live

This is how a local described his city to me this morning. he had randomly started a conversation asking me what exactly I was picturing on 6th avenue (an NYPD car, a yellowcab and the Chrysler building).
As far as the traffic is concerned I must say: it is far more decent than I expected, almost calm and disciplined. Maybe Mumbai traffic in my mind is simply too hard to beat.

My lonely planet had listed a synagoge on my walk through China town. I thought I could hop in for a few minutes and check the building from the inside. The staff offered me a tour, and as no one else was showing up, i got a very personal 1 hour tour through one of New York's oldest Synagoges, plenty of small and bigger stories about the city, its history, people and particularly Jewish community included.

As far as my camera equipment is concerned, just two little stories: in the morning at breakfast I went through yesterday's pictures realising that dust was sticking on my sensor. The manual suggests in such a case to take a picture of a white wall. I don't know what the waiter of that deli was thinking when this weird guest started taking pictures of their wall. "Don't ask!" I just suggested to his astonishment.
In the evening I took a ride on the Staten Island ferry. By the time I arrived on Staten Island the sun had set and the skyline of Manhattan was blinking just in front of me. The good thing about tripods is that they make shots in the dark of such objects possible. The bad thing about them is, that you never have them with you, when needed. In my case I the thing was in my room here in New York, but not attached to my rucksack as I did not want to carry it through the city the whole day.
After 20minutes of fighting I finally managed to attach the camera to my rucksack, which than I layed accross a dust bin.

Too much food

If I am not run over by a NewYork cab while taking my pictures in the streets, than I die of sugar and/or fat poisoning. Too much food, at every corner. I deal with it on a try and error basis. The Indian take-away shop for lunch today was a clear error ("Curry in a hurry" at little India), but tonight I found the best food court in the world instead. I crossed the East River twice today, walking to Brooklyn accross the Brooklyn bridge and back on the Washington. My vertigo is back. Funny, I felt it on the way back on the Washington bridge, but hardly when enjoying the spectacular view from the Rockefeller centre.

i should write earlier than late night on my blog, as I feel too much tiredness in my legs, my back (I constantly carry all my camera equipment with me, approx. 4kg) and my head (jetlag). But I am doing great anyway. Tomorrow a new day. I should make a plan, but probably I end up randomly walking around as today, and that is fine. I am going to be here the whole rest of the week. There is no hurry, I am on vacation by the end of the day.

Streetwalk

Intrepid Museum, Chelsea, Union square, Broadway and back to Times square where I stay. I think as a child I was a bit intrigued by military technology, never since. But still the kid in me had to see that decommissioned aircraft carrier - and the planes that go with it. I have been aboard a "Concorde" today. I also found out, that I have a discount on chopper flights above Manhattan. Why not? We shall see.
Tonight I went for dinner with two British - at a Brazilian place, after having been for dinner with an Indian at an Italian place the night before. I should take better advantage of the food choices available here, particularly at lunch (today I just went to "Subway).

It is a pity I am taking pictures without being able to have a close look at them later, except when eventually have them on my computer screen at home. I wonder how they will come out. I just keep walking the entire day, taking snaps left right and center.

I am planning to do some museums tomorrow. I came here with some ideas, but to be honest without a plan. Fair enough for a vacation, but I am worried to miss out of the cool things here. On the other hand one week can never be enough for this city, more populated than my home country.

Ok, I think my jetlag wants me to call it a night.

NYC

So after several attempts earlier in my life I made it to "big apple". What to say? I feel great! I just went for dinner with an Indian tourist from Delhi who is my room mate here. He loves the city as well - due to its mess. "as close as it gets to Bombay." as he said. True!

The first two hours I did not know where to photograph first, I just could not stop. So many places, sights, people. I am fully aware, that here I have more freedom in taking snaps of random people than I would have at home. At I take advantage. But don't worry, I won't exagerate. Few weeks back I saw this clip on youtube about "aggressive streetphotography". I would never do this, but the most funny thing today was, that I bumped into this very photographer by accident. If the world is a village, why should its "capital" not be?

One hundreth of a second

Found this shortfilm by accident, about the power and ambivalence of war reporting. It needs no comment.

The cure

It has been a year now. And hereby I close this chapter. I remember the call at the hospital, the despair, the panic, the fear, the diagnosis, the apathy in the months to follow, the omnipresent sirens of death, the side effects, the overwhelming care of so many people, the friends that I have, the readers of my blog, the slow recovery, the won and lost battles, my new life, my new priorities, goals, the endless gratitude for the recovery, the big laughs, the music, the songs, the things lost on the way, and the satisfying indifference about them in the end. I thought I would have to say many smart things once I reached this point, but I just want to know it behind me. Three pills a day remind me of how breakable this new gift to me is.

I noted down my to-do-list last night. I thought of publishing it here, but better not. It lists a few companies, I am going to apply for, three jogs for this week (gosh, it is already Wednesday night, but you know the weather...), oh and I already completed one of them today (ordering Adobe PS). Ironically it was today that I have been communicated a nice increase in salary.

I also attended an event tonight which should appropriately replace AIESEC. I joint a different organization. Officially I have been a member for more than a year, but actually this is not exactly approved yet. At the "next meeting" it will be. As a political scientist one is always expected to join politics (and denying doing it). So now I joint. I expected very slow decision making at the first meeting and was not disappointed, but I expected it to be even worse. Interestingly I was the youngest - by far. I was actually the only one without gray hair. Another interesting fact was, that many of the members did not speak Bernese but other Swiss dialects (including one that I think I never heard before). It seems the moved-in-from-elsewhere-crowd was looking for a place to mingle with new friends. Looked very familiar.

Closing chapters - opening new ones - life 2.0

I was going to write something here for one week, but kept procrastinating. Someone suggested me a book against procrastination. I ordered it the same week and have been procrastinating reading it for months now. Life is so easy these days. No obstacles. I am a bit passive again, I should start the new life that I have been given. I am supposed to live without suffering. I think I am simply speechles about all the options in front of me.

Another thing that I kept procrastinating was leaving things behind. After all these peaceful weeks I still not trust the new regime of my body, like I was unwilling to accept that I might be cured. I was always hoping for things to get even a bit better, but eventually I think I met the level, where I do not seek more. I was given a new life - no, actually given back the life that has been stolen from me years ago.

My modesty about my own life diminishes, my ambition to move further grows. I take it as one more clear hint on my splendid health. Funny to see how the personal needs shift with the health. Possibly I would not have bought that camera, if I hadn't felt so shit last month. But I am not complaining. What's wrong with going through a crisis if as a little compensation you treat yourself and end up with the coolest toy ever?
What is health anyway? For me it is a state that would vaporise within less than 24 hours if I cease taking my pills. Be it! I need to put up a new to-do-list for this year. It will probably be the same I put up a year ago - until that "bitch" came in between. But I'll ad some friends I wish to talk and visit again after a while.

Guess what!

It has been eleven months now.

I still think about giving a party, now that the end is near. It is actually a beginning. I felt that beginning so many times, but only now it is meant to happen. I have been told to stop to be so thoughtful. Might be an idea. Just live! How ironic. I was fighting so hard to get my head and mind working properly, and now I am told that I should stop using both too excessively.

I boue mini tröim

I am not sure if I should consider it as positive or simply pathetic, but I feel mostly writing when I feel bad - this should explain why I was silent the past days. It seems I took the right decision. I am in the happy situation that my biggest sorrow in the moment is that camera that does not go out of my head. It is new, nice, feels as wonderful as it is not cheap. I DO NOT NEED IT, but still some sirens in my head sing constantly "buy me". Hobbies are not about rational. We do not want what we need, but what we feel we could not deal without.

More good news: my pharmacy has introduced a bonus program. I find it hilarious! the bad news: it does not apply for prescribed drugs, only for casual medicine like aspirin or beauty products. DUH! I would have made a fortune of points considering the money they make with me. The head pharmacists even calls my name when I enter her shop.

I found some very old songs on my ipod yesterday. Funny, for years I constantly listened to Patent Ochsner and other Bernese musicians while living in Geneva, also to comfort my home sickness. Now I walk through the city I was always missing and get remembered of Geneva. I catch myself singing along the lyrics and realize that I still know them all by hard. Indeed it is not the things we need we miss.

The blood was enough

The doc was astonished by my wish not to cut down the dose, but positive about my decision. Something makes me confident. It is the confidence that lasted so long all through December - before we started playing around. Life can be so easy, I just have to learn it now.

He just took a blood sample - it actually took him three attempts. In two weeks or so we know more. Until than I have to keep listening to my symptoms. Please let it be over.

You get my blood but not my pills

My doc called me today. He wants a new blood test and is suggesting to decrease the dose once more. NO!
Hello? The four weeks are not over yet and I am starting to get used to these pills. I talked to three docs about this, but do I as a patient actually get a veto right? I'll find out tomorrow. Need some sleep now.

Shooting in the dark

My room is a mess, so is my office desk, my head and even my blog. I should update a few things here. I just did not feel like until now.

Three weeks of absolute apathy are behind me. Last Friday I remembered, what my doc had told me: "Let us know when the going gets tough!"
I tried everything to get rid of the agony, but in the end I only admitted to myself that I am simply ill, need help and rest. I stayed away from work yesterday, called my docs, asked for an emergency appointment. In between the results of my blood test flew in. the drugs are all there in my blood. But do they work?
"If by now you don't feel anything, than they have failed." the doc told me. I remembered last summer.
I had given myself 4 weeks until to decide. Three weeks are through, so what now? We wait, anyway, I'll have to talk with the other doc tomorrow. And I even asked Trisch (by the end of the day he is a doc too). I would say roughly 70% of the new symptoms are negative, 20% rather positive, 10% are hard to describe.

The good news: I met Rob again after a long while. I still don't believe that people change, and I am happy about it. Saturday, before catching the train back from Zurich, I killed some time window shopping and bought a computer game for CHF 10.-. It turned out to be an ego shooter: chocolate has failed, so have the emergency pills, but this gadget works as a marvellous painkiller. I start feeling better.

Pills and chocolate

I once heard chocolate might help against certain pains. I am just trying: I will have finished the bar before I end this post. I had an emergency pill, was on the edge of calling the hospital.

Maybe I should not go to work tomorrow. I seemingly am in good health, only me and my doctors know it better. I don't want to stay at home. I have an invitations for even two parties this weekend. Yes, I do want to lock myself up in my room, but I must not. I have to mingle.

I hate this. I am stuck on the level where almost everything seems fine, but still something is wrong with me. I have no dangerous symptoms, just nasty and painful ones. I think the sugar from the chocolate starts working. Maybe I should have had a beer, and not the pill. Too late, both together would be dangerous. I'll have one tomorrow I hope. Or we start one of my whiskey bottles as already discussed.

I will get to use my camera. As funny a kind of comfort as the chocolate - but it works. I really hoped I would be this weekend in a state where I can party all night (like at the Alumni night for example). Wishful thinking, but I'll give it a try. There is always a train home. Maybe I should give a party myself, once all this is over. The day wilkl come, no matter how hard I have to fight for it.

Politics and photography

I am getting better again. I wonder if this will last for long or be over soon. We shall see. I usually just feel like taking a rest after such a storm, get even lazy. Fortunately I have friends with the talent to kick my ass in the right moment. Snowby called me on Friday night. I don't know how he knew that I was thinking of not joining them for the hiking and sleighing the next day. Anyway, I ended up spending Saturday in the Alps. Snow, sunshine and fondue.
I took the opportunity also to test my new toy a bit. That lens is just great, like day and night compared to my old one. It also proves that capitalism works by the way: I already have a list of things that I am planning to buy next (e. g. lens hoods, lens filters, a new camera maybe?).

The trouvaille of today is a great website I found by accident, a blog actually. After having found the ultimate website combining photography and planes, I now found the website combining photography and politics. I just love the pics, the messages they transmit either subtly or even obviously. It even gratefully tells us where the commander in chief stands in the eternal war of Nikon vs. Canon. Thank you Mr. President!

Crawling up the hill

I started the day being grumpy, went to work, met apathy and agony, felt paralyzed, left for lunch, took a pill against the worst, fell asleep in my office (luckily the officers are either at home or in Davos right now, so it would not matter) and eventually left for home depressed. I wrote two emails to my doc today, one asking for more pills against what I would call side effects and one stating that this would have to end. And what now?

Only hours later I feel absolutely fabulous! This is what I hate. I take pills to feel better and nothing changes, and much later it feels again like nothing ever happened. But I should not complain, I am happy I feel so well - though it is time to sleep now. I hope when I wake up my body will still remember the good shape that it left behind when falling asleep.

A bit of comfort I gave myself today (actually 2 days ago) as my new lens, my newest toy has arrived. As Kenneth Branagh is saying in my favored movie: "Adults are just kids with a lot of money!"

Almost there

I had a pretty fun day today in the brainstore. I was representing the "potential customers" of a client company and they asked me to stay until the very end wrapping up the results with them. Fortunately unfortunately they had a system breakdown, delaying the end by 1 or 2 hours. I bridged the gap at the bar with the client representatives and two bottles of excellent local wine, discussing Swiss and German politics and the challenges of Mumbai local transport.

My health however keeps trying to cripple me. It failed so today, but was still nasty enough. I should have more patience and complain less. Maybe I am just a bit tired. Maybe I felt too well last month for too long and now I refuse to accept that I do feel worse again. A few weeks yet, and it will be over hopefully. I don't want to fight no more. I just want that peace again.

Once more

It has been ten months now.

I am to be considered cured soon, just this short time until my body got used to the new dose. I don't know if I should tell the doc that all this has upset me. I felt ok, but than he wanted to do it even better. Anyway, new blood test next week, and than we will know. And I should not complain about my health, as I my life remains too uneventful to write about otherwise. I should think about a different subject.

I need a clear head to complete that application letter, but I have already been waiting for too long. I will send it tomorrow, whatever it takes. I wished my pills would have side effects like getting me rid of my procrastination and chaos. But this might remain wishful thinking beyond the capabilities of the art of medicine.

Meanwhile for one day I am going to take up a different job: brainstore again. I took Tuesday off and am to participate in a workshop. And tomorrow I am not going to work either: it is Republic Day. A flag hoisting ceremony at the residence, that is all my duties tomorrow.

Now or later

Someone gave me the advice last week not to run too fast into my future plans. He was right probably. It is funny. I keep changing between the phases where a bright future stands in front of me and I start doing plans for career, leisure and more. And just a few hours later the apathy, that has been with me for so many years catches me back.

Most of the past years I was living my life with the parking break on. There is nothing new about me not knowing in which direction I want to walk in my life, but that I simply have a few scenarios that I could imagine. But I feel that now, when I will get eventually be cured, I should take a decision on this.

I should not hurry, take my time, he said. I feel like I was given one entire new life, like if all my possibilities had multiplied. I feel a clarity in my mind coming up that was hardly ever there. I stand where others stand when they are much younger - eventually. I feel the need to catch up - or start walking at least. I want to take the opportunities now, when I see them. That makes it so hard. I have hard times to believe that they will still be there once I am completely cured.

Fever - kinda

First the good news: I have no fever - just all the symptoms. I felt weak, was sweating, dry mouth. It is "cold" season and the flu is going around - though I am vaccinated. But I checked my temperature, nothing exciting. So it must be the pills - how could I forget.

But I am in good spirits, just feel a little weak. No job applications today, not under these conditions though I still have to write a little thank you to a friend in this respect. Monday probably I'll do it.

The checkup with the doc was ok, though he is a blood sucker - he wants a new sample in two weeks. Apart of that my illness is officially not an "episode" anymore - but chronic. Quite obvious actually. When I saw him the first time he said I might be cured within two months. I met him the first time in March.

About happyness

Today I made a doctor happy. How?

10 days ago I stretched my arm for a blood test. It was neither painful nor very irritating, but is it normal that almost 2 weeks after I still have a deep black bruise marking the spot of the (second and unsuccessful) attempt?
Today in the afternoon my phone rang. I excepted several calls linked to work, but not the voice of my all excited doc on the other end.
"My assumption was right!" he announced splendidly. In a nutshell: my liver works so perfectly, that it eats more than half of a daily medication dose in just a few hours. "A certain percentage of people in Western Europe have that genetic code causing this." he added. I don't want to develop the question of my felt identity once more here, but at least genetically I am Central European.
Anyway, the doc asked me to take the double dose tomorrow morning, before meeting him. He also mentioned "side effects" to prepare for. I ignored his fear - it will become mine early enough.

I am really curious about what is to happen next: honestly I feel quite fine, very well actually. So today my doc is announcing me to feel even much better soon. I wonder how I feel in 24 hours. I should not read the list of possible side effects in front of me, I know, but I already did. Ups!
So I might sweat and freeze, lose appetite (cool, I am trying to lose weight) and feel taste disturbances (does not really matter if I eat less anyway, does it?). I don't think I will have any jaundice though, hot flashes maybe, parasthesia would not be the first time.

On a more serious note: I had other plans for the upcoming weekend than painful apathy sitting at home. But it will be over soon, I will feel even better. I am sure it is worth it. And than finally I can write again about other things than this "bitch" called disorder!

About catching the right moment

The only reason why I am writing is maybe because the last post does not really apply anymore. I feel much better, have almost recovered from the change in medication.

I wished I could say I have used the time of well being appropriately (eg. writing job applications) but in fact I just enjoyed being back to decent health. Over the weekend I attended LEAD, the election of the new MC for AIESEC in Switzerland. For once I did not go there to take pictures but to have a good time with friends - and ended up taking 1003 pictures in less than 24 hours. But it is not about quantity, in sum I think the pics were ok but nothing particular (except the pic of the MCPe).

I love photography, but the editing part back home did cost me some energy this time. I decided I need that new lens and I am to buy it possibly next month. One of my most favored motives are my "ambush portraits", people taken from the distance, ignored by the person being photographed. Too many of the pics fail I feel. I always curse the light, but a tele-lens with an image stabilizer would help a lot already.
At DoIt I have been told not to be so perfectionist about my pictures. I find it funny enough that I am perfectionist at all in something. On the other hand I know, that the best picture can be killed simply by not being presented appropriately. I always look for mistakes in my pics or things that one could have done better.

I always think about my motivation to take pictures. What does actually drive me? I don't know, but I think it is less taking pics of things as they are than rather showing the pics how I see them. I usually have an image of a person in my head and seek to catch that very kind of image with my camera, and am disappointed if I fail.

Lens or perfectionism, a good shot needs also a lot of luck. I am grateful for having so much of it when carrying my cam. It is about intuition and hitting the right moment (luck).

Try and error

Try and error seems to be the strategy in my treatment I feel sometimes. I mentioned the reappearance of the symptoms to my doc on Monday. He reconsidered his decision immediately and so we are now back on the old higher dose. I feel better, but still pretty worse than two weeks ago. It feels like I was thrown back months in my healing. It will be over but I feel annoyed.
"This is not a backlash!" the doc insisted. This is exactly what I would call it though, and I did not reproach him anything. Ok, maybe he should not have said: "The fact that now you are feeling worse is good, because now at least it has become obvious that the medication works!"
Hello?!? Hadn't I told him one week ago that I was feeling marvellous? - what lead him to the idea of bringing down the dose?

Let's see the positive: I feel good most time of the day, but after three-ish in the afternoon it goes down, down, down. That saves at least half of my day.

Why am I writing about my illness anyway? I wanted to write about other things. Fortunately unfortunately currently their is not much more to say about my life. also the job is rather uneventful.

I could write about world politics actually, given that I am reading four newspapers with my full commitment every day. I am sorry to say this, but there is absolutely nothing new neither in the Middle East nor in South Asia. Too many people have learned out there to deal with decade old conflicts rather than to accept the inponderability of conciliation.
I don't want to be cynical here hence I stop writing.

Looking back on 2008

I really thought about how to sum up 2009, but maybe it is too soon, or too late. I don't know. Maybe the two pics above can do. The first was shot I think on the 1st or 2nd of Jan 2008 in Pondicherry, Tamil Nadu, India (the pose and the rifles were their idea, not mine). I also work meanwhiel for their government, funny enough.
The second pic was taken on new year's eve. One of the few pics of myself that I like - which is more due to my vanity than the inability of other people taking good shots.

The guy on the first pic is seriously ill like hell, but does not know it yet. The guy on the second pic is full with drugs but more healthy than ever! I have been thinking how to sum up 2008, but no matter if blogging or writing new year's wishes to friends, I am somehow out of words. Funny, ironically this year has shown to me that two of the things I am best at are blogging and photography. In this respect I tried to choose instead of a summary of the year some of the most typical or remarkable blog entries. M - O - M - E - N - T - S * A - N - D * M - O - R - E I would call them.

Ironically the little switch in my medication this week also gave me a little review on the past year in form of symptoms and side effects. Just nasty, not dangerous. I'll mention it to my doc tomorrow. New blood test and a medical certificate is on the to-do-list for tomorrow's appointment.

Last but not least one song that has been in my head most of the (hard) times. Don't worry, I also have better songs for better times.

Body and soul

I was not going to write that much about my illness, but as I left the hospital this morning with a smile I take the opportunity to post some good news.

It is a fact that I feel better than ever these days compared to the past two or three years. Hence my doc came today to the conclusion that I was doing so well, that we should consider decreasing the medication dose. This is the first time in more than 9 months, that we slow down the treatment due to a major improvement! In other words: I am through the worst!

He added that it seems that I have been ill for much longer than this year, possibly several years before already. And he suggests to keep the pills for roughly two more years or so, but that we'll find out at a later stage. New blood test next week.

I would like to write here something smart, but I am just overwhelmed, happy to have got here. Happy to be alive and healthy (almost). What stays for the time being is something completely normal for people in my situation, as the doc said: the constant fear from falling back. It will go. On the other hand, it is ok to be conscious about the gift of a proper health. It makes me grateful, satisfied. I found again the peace with my body, the peace to my soul.

Taking a rest

It has been nine months now.

As much as this blog was needed in getting through this challenge, as little I felt like posting the past month. Maybe I did not feel like writing about my health, neither about my life in general. Some of the regular readers assumed out of this that I must feel very well. Yes I do actually.

On the other hand, after the challenging year behind me, I fell in a bit of a lazy mode. Going on "standby" and take a deep breath. I need vacation, and actually I have just been on a short hopp to Budapest and Bratislava two weeks back. But I have plans for the next year and particularly for vacation - I just have to convince one of my friends to join me. I am working on it.

It is Christmas. I never liked it, but feeling better than in the past years at this time I can see the peace in the festival at least - but also the boredom. But Christmas (or maybe just the Winter) made me also reflect once more on what a priviledged life I have living in the Western world. I read the news online on a snowy day and see how people get outraged, just because public transport slows down by 10 minutes and road traffic collapses for a few hours. People complain about the life in Berne, as they consider the city as too dirty. I am really, very honestly happy for all them, that they obviously have no bigger sorrows. But who am I to patronize them, just because I have been living next door to a slum (and a five star hotel on the other side) for a year and have been traveling every day on a local train, that has a death toll of ten on its network - every day!

I bumped into an old friend on my lunch break the other day. We had not talked in 6 years to each other. I invited her for a coffee. We were discussing about relationships, the right person, monogamy.
She does not require a marriage to gain a minimum social status (or even more security). That makes her quite an exclusive woman compared to the overwhelming majority of women in the world. We should not forget, the idea of getting married simply for the sake of love is quite a new one. Not older than a hundred years and only successful in the Western world.
She felt overwhelmed with the wide range of possibilities that she has and the decisions in front of her. BUt some questions are never answered, I think. We just stop after a while putting them up.