On my agenda

Boy, it's been a while since my last blogpost. It is actually just the beginning of a new year that tempts me to write something here. I must admit, my life did not treat me with anything extraordinary worth mentioning in the last three months (at least not with anything I felt the need to blog about).

The last year has been gratefully less challenging than the one before. In fact, I managed to achieve three little dreams at last, that I had been carrying with me for so long: a trip to NYC, my own flat and before all a splendid health. I made some new friends, neglected some others. I set a few steps towards a new future and see the next chapters or option on the horizon.
I neglected the job seek in the end of the year, but something else stole my priorities.

My new year's resolutions? I should not post him here. But I have quite a full agenda for the first 3 months, I just saw (I actually have an agenda, weird enough actually).

Unpacking

I moved in. A friend asked me for pics of the new flat. "Why don't you come and look yourself?" was my answer. I can actually host now people. Something that would have been rather complicated in the old place.

What surprises me the most (and all people who know me probably): The flat is tidy and clean. Everything has its place and nothing lays around. I lack a bit of furniture yet, but my second trip to Lyssach is already scheduled. Getting rid of the white walls will be a harder issue. I still have to choose the pics I want to hang up. Maybe I will constantly be changing them anyway.

Autumn has come and I realised that I achieved three major goals this year already, that I had dreamed about for so long. The next ones are waiting already. Step by step, but I am getting there.

My life into boxes

In two days I will have moved. I started wrapping up stuff and packing already days ago. My room looks like after a bomb blast. People who know me know that I tend not to throw away too much stuff. So here I pay for it. I have shit loads of stuff. I find expired vouchers, unopened mail from years ago, pictures out of 11 years of travel and photography, my huge collection of AIESEC badges, aviation memorabilia and love letters from people who my heart had almost forgotten about.

Usually I ask myself when the right moment for something has come, and usually I spend way too much time doing so. But this time others put up the question, while I have no doubt. Others say (and I even agree) it is way overdue to move, and a handful of people doubts if it is the right moment.

I regularly find pictures of people on facebook who I mostly have no other contact with but through that network. They get married, travel, get new jobs, move away from or back into their home country, have kids. Facebook is not very helpful for social interaction. I know so many things (and I am not stalking on anyone, never did) that I would have preferred to have learnt through talking and chatting with people rather than through a news feed.

To be honest I am trying to write something meaningful again, but maybe it is just too late in the night. Apart of my packing the week was not very eventful. But I am looking forward to a few events in the near future. Bee is coming to town. Some other people remind me that I could actually hopp over to India once more maybe next (Indian) summer, visiting people. I still have Jaipur, Srinagar and Amritsar on my "to travel list".

Screening

I found a little mistake in my post from two days ago, so as I have to update the blog anyway, I also write a few lines.

Blogging is not anymore what it used to be. In other words, it is "so wevb 1.0". Anyway I spend too much time in front of computers. I make my living watching a screen most of the time and do the same thing at home. My two biggest hobbies include computers. Maybe it is not such a good idea to buy a TV as first piece of furniture for the new flat either. I hardly watched TV in Geneva and did survive. But than I hardly spent any time in my flat either.

Writing about hobbies: I am constantly thinking of how to furbish and decorate my flat. After shooting all these pics I maybe want to frame one or two to decorate my walls. This would be a good occasion to screen through my 3500 pics that I shot in New York. So here I am back sitting in front of a screen again.

Initiative

The better I feel, the less I blog and the less I do sports. I really want to blog, but what?

Ok, some news first: I have a flat. Looking for one surprisingly showed me what beautyful flats there are in this city. However, the best flat of all I saw on the first day of my seek - and did not get it. But I got the next one. Only when I went to see it for the second time to plan my compulsory trip to Lyssach/BE I learnt why: I was the only applicant.
Seriously: what is wrong with a flat in Bethlehem? OK, one third of the population is immigrant, but so am I, hence what should I fear? Actually I am convinced that what this neighborhood needs for the sake of a better integration policy is more Swiss. Besides that the flats here are 30% cheaper than in the rest of the city. And last but not least, even for an atheist it sounds cool to live next door to the church of Bethlehem.

Other changes in my life I might have not pushed strongly enough. Job seek for example. I could blame it on the lethargy surrounding me, but there is no excuse basically. Anyway I am leaving behind one half of the lethargy, so why not getting rid of the other half as well?

Anyway, while we cannot predict our lives, we can still have pretty much of influence on it. At least in the culture I live in (maybe not the one I work in, but that's a different story). And if we don't take the initiative, life will take it. This remembers me of the fact, that maybe I was lying about my regrets in my last post. I do regret. I give anything to live certain moments in health once more. It's not a trauma or something, I just find it a pity let's say.

What did I say about life taking the initiative? Oh yes, I wanted to add the following: I love you, I really do. And you will never know. We were not meant to happen, hence it is not going to. Just a foolish crush. It will be over soon. It already is.

No regrets

If I have to sum up this week, than first of all two people come to my mind, who I had wished I could help them, but maybe I am not meant to do so, maybe. In one case i feel bad, because I tried do help and it did not chenge, and in one case I feel bad, because I feel I should not do so. I feel a moral dilemmas. I also feel the ability to judge and decide. The poisonous doubt that was always there has gone. My life is mine.

I realized also this week how much more I could have achieved, if I had always had the health that I have now. Don't take me wrong. There is no regrets. Well, there is not much at least. But it made me understand why I feel the need to hang out with the younger crowd. How many times in my life I realised, that the people around me moved on, accelerated the speed with which they embraced their challenges, while I just saw that that speed was too fast for me to live. I understand so many failures now. And I have the certainty about my abilities. A priviledge I think.

Maybe I write too much about how good I feel here. But I used to write all the bad here always until it would not go away. The good deserves its place as well.

Lifeline

I was going to post something already days ago but did not know what. I wrote a post but than decided it was not appropriate to publish. Anyway, blogging seems outdated these days I see looking at my friends.

However, this morning I heard this song and thought it showed exactly how I felt. I feel energy, new horizons. This is nothing new, I know. But still, in spite of my atheism and all that goes with it, I am just grateful. I feel my life and the energy to live it in me every day. I feel and see the opportunities, my free choice of living them or finding new ones. So this is what life is about. I have an own know.
so this is that feeling of success when you realize that you succeeded to kick death's ass. I did it - twice. I am proud. A pity this kind of experience, no matter how learningful it is, does not belong in a CV. I would not even dare to put my blog into my CV, no matter how much it tells about my "internet skills".

I have gained this gift called health, I swear, I won't give it back so easily.

Liberties

I just love this snap from yesterday! My niece had 3 hours of fun and giggling on the Gurten hill and 10 seconds of tears after her splash into the pond. A fair deal for her I would say.

Yes, I have been back from NYC for a while now. Actually I have even been to Brussels since than. I would love to post some pics here, but I am not there yet. I regularly have to explain the difference between my way of taking pictures and the way of, let's say, an average pink olympus compact camera. And the truth is: I have the liberty to intervene several times between pushing the button and ending up with a jpeg picture, using creativity and/or editing software. The liberties we have enrich our life, give us power on our own destiny. However, one should not get lost between the liberties. The liberty not to choose is a luxury most of us cannot afford, hence useless. Anyway, I had a great time in New York.

One good example for liberties I cannot afford is my seek for jobs. If my strength is in dealing with people, interacting with them, building bridges accross cultures, than I should not waste these skills in a job that expects me to sit in an office on my own the entire day. I am good in dealing with the challenges thrown at me, but not in finding and approaching new ones. I feel comfortable seeing all options in a situation, but I will have hard times getting a clear decision. Again, too much liberty is too much of luxury for me.

Last but not least: why bothering about songs where embedding is forbidden. More than enough people kindly cover the same songs - and some are really great in doing this.

Central Park

Today I strolled the whole day in Central Park, nothing else (ok, I visited MoMA and Guggenheim Museum next door). When I came back to the hostel I eventually found out who my new rommates are (they were too hung over/jetlagged when I left this morning to convey): they are from France and instantly invited me to join them for a concert in the village. Again I went to a place without big expectations and was overwhelmed. A great concert in a modest talent shop in the "village". Did I mention that I love this city?

Good place to visit - tough place to live

This is how a local described his city to me this morning. he had randomly started a conversation asking me what exactly I was picturing on 6th avenue (an NYPD car, a yellowcab and the Chrysler building).
As far as the traffic is concerned I must say: it is far more decent than I expected, almost calm and disciplined. Maybe Mumbai traffic in my mind is simply too hard to beat.

My lonely planet had listed a synagoge on my walk through China town. I thought I could hop in for a few minutes and check the building from the inside. The staff offered me a tour, and as no one else was showing up, i got a very personal 1 hour tour through one of New York's oldest Synagoges, plenty of small and bigger stories about the city, its history, people and particularly Jewish community included.

As far as my camera equipment is concerned, just two little stories: in the morning at breakfast I went through yesterday's pictures realising that dust was sticking on my sensor. The manual suggests in such a case to take a picture of a white wall. I don't know what the waiter of that deli was thinking when this weird guest started taking pictures of their wall. "Don't ask!" I just suggested to his astonishment.
In the evening I took a ride on the Staten Island ferry. By the time I arrived on Staten Island the sun had set and the skyline of Manhattan was blinking just in front of me. The good thing about tripods is that they make shots in the dark of such objects possible. The bad thing about them is, that you never have them with you, when needed. In my case I the thing was in my room here in New York, but not attached to my rucksack as I did not want to carry it through the city the whole day.
After 20minutes of fighting I finally managed to attach the camera to my rucksack, which than I layed accross a dust bin.

Too much food

If I am not run over by a NewYork cab while taking my pictures in the streets, than I die of sugar and/or fat poisoning. Too much food, at every corner. I deal with it on a try and error basis. The Indian take-away shop for lunch today was a clear error ("Curry in a hurry" at little India), but tonight I found the best food court in the world instead. I crossed the East River twice today, walking to Brooklyn accross the Brooklyn bridge and back on the Washington. My vertigo is back. Funny, I felt it on the way back on the Washington bridge, but hardly when enjoying the spectacular view from the Rockefeller centre.

i should write earlier than late night on my blog, as I feel too much tiredness in my legs, my back (I constantly carry all my camera equipment with me, approx. 4kg) and my head (jetlag). But I am doing great anyway. Tomorrow a new day. I should make a plan, but probably I end up randomly walking around as today, and that is fine. I am going to be here the whole rest of the week. There is no hurry, I am on vacation by the end of the day.

Streetwalk

Intrepid Museum, Chelsea, Union square, Broadway and back to Times square where I stay. I think as a child I was a bit intrigued by military technology, never since. But still the kid in me had to see that decommissioned aircraft carrier - and the planes that go with it. I have been aboard a "Concorde" today. I also found out, that I have a discount on chopper flights above Manhattan. Why not? We shall see.
Tonight I went for dinner with two British - at a Brazilian place, after having been for dinner with an Indian at an Italian place the night before. I should take better advantage of the food choices available here, particularly at lunch (today I just went to "Subway).

It is a pity I am taking pictures without being able to have a close look at them later, except when eventually have them on my computer screen at home. I wonder how they will come out. I just keep walking the entire day, taking snaps left right and center.

I am planning to do some museums tomorrow. I came here with some ideas, but to be honest without a plan. Fair enough for a vacation, but I am worried to miss out of the cool things here. On the other hand one week can never be enough for this city, more populated than my home country.

Ok, I think my jetlag wants me to call it a night.

NYC

So after several attempts earlier in my life I made it to "big apple". What to say? I feel great! I just went for dinner with an Indian tourist from Delhi who is my room mate here. He loves the city as well - due to its mess. "as close as it gets to Bombay." as he said. True!

The first two hours I did not know where to photograph first, I just could not stop. So many places, sights, people. I am fully aware, that here I have more freedom in taking snaps of random people than I would have at home. At I take advantage. But don't worry, I won't exagerate. Few weeks back I saw this clip on youtube about "aggressive streetphotography". I would never do this, but the most funny thing today was, that I bumped into this very photographer by accident. If the world is a village, why should its "capital" not be?

One hundreth of a second

Found this shortfilm by accident, about the power and ambivalence of war reporting. It needs no comment.

The cure

It has been a year now. And hereby I close this chapter. I remember the call at the hospital, the despair, the panic, the fear, the diagnosis, the apathy in the months to follow, the omnipresent sirens of death, the side effects, the overwhelming care of so many people, the friends that I have, the readers of my blog, the slow recovery, the won and lost battles, my new life, my new priorities, goals, the endless gratitude for the recovery, the big laughs, the music, the songs, the things lost on the way, and the satisfying indifference about them in the end. I thought I would have to say many smart things once I reached this point, but I just want to know it behind me. Three pills a day remind me of how breakable this new gift to me is.

I noted down my to-do-list last night. I thought of publishing it here, but better not. It lists a few companies, I am going to apply for, three jogs for this week (gosh, it is already Wednesday night, but you know the weather...), oh and I already completed one of them today (ordering Adobe PS). Ironically it was today that I have been communicated a nice increase in salary.

I also attended an event tonight which should appropriately replace AIESEC. I joint a different organization. Officially I have been a member for more than a year, but actually this is not exactly approved yet. At the "next meeting" it will be. As a political scientist one is always expected to join politics (and denying doing it). So now I joint. I expected very slow decision making at the first meeting and was not disappointed, but I expected it to be even worse. Interestingly I was the youngest - by far. I was actually the only one without gray hair. Another interesting fact was, that many of the members did not speak Bernese but other Swiss dialects (including one that I think I never heard before). It seems the moved-in-from-elsewhere-crowd was looking for a place to mingle with new friends. Looked very familiar.

Closing chapters - opening new ones - life 2.0

I was going to write something here for one week, but kept procrastinating. Someone suggested me a book against procrastination. I ordered it the same week and have been procrastinating reading it for months now. Life is so easy these days. No obstacles. I am a bit passive again, I should start the new life that I have been given. I am supposed to live without suffering. I think I am simply speechles about all the options in front of me.

Another thing that I kept procrastinating was leaving things behind. After all these peaceful weeks I still not trust the new regime of my body, like I was unwilling to accept that I might be cured. I was always hoping for things to get even a bit better, but eventually I think I met the level, where I do not seek more. I was given a new life - no, actually given back the life that has been stolen from me years ago.

My modesty about my own life diminishes, my ambition to move further grows. I take it as one more clear hint on my splendid health. Funny to see how the personal needs shift with the health. Possibly I would not have bought that camera, if I hadn't felt so shit last month. But I am not complaining. What's wrong with going through a crisis if as a little compensation you treat yourself and end up with the coolest toy ever?
What is health anyway? For me it is a state that would vaporise within less than 24 hours if I cease taking my pills. Be it! I need to put up a new to-do-list for this year. It will probably be the same I put up a year ago - until that "bitch" came in between. But I'll ad some friends I wish to talk and visit again after a while.

Guess what!

It has been eleven months now.

I still think about giving a party, now that the end is near. It is actually a beginning. I felt that beginning so many times, but only now it is meant to happen. I have been told to stop to be so thoughtful. Might be an idea. Just live! How ironic. I was fighting so hard to get my head and mind working properly, and now I am told that I should stop using both too excessively.

I boue mini tröim

I am not sure if I should consider it as positive or simply pathetic, but I feel mostly writing when I feel bad - this should explain why I was silent the past days. It seems I took the right decision. I am in the happy situation that my biggest sorrow in the moment is that camera that does not go out of my head. It is new, nice, feels as wonderful as it is not cheap. I DO NOT NEED IT, but still some sirens in my head sing constantly "buy me". Hobbies are not about rational. We do not want what we need, but what we feel we could not deal without.

More good news: my pharmacy has introduced a bonus program. I find it hilarious! the bad news: it does not apply for prescribed drugs, only for casual medicine like aspirin or beauty products. DUH! I would have made a fortune of points considering the money they make with me. The head pharmacists even calls my name when I enter her shop.

I found some very old songs on my ipod yesterday. Funny, for years I constantly listened to Patent Ochsner and other Bernese musicians while living in Geneva, also to comfort my home sickness. Now I walk through the city I was always missing and get remembered of Geneva. I catch myself singing along the lyrics and realize that I still know them all by hard. Indeed it is not the things we need we miss.

The blood was enough

The doc was astonished by my wish not to cut down the dose, but positive about my decision. Something makes me confident. It is the confidence that lasted so long all through December - before we started playing around. Life can be so easy, I just have to learn it now.

He just took a blood sample - it actually took him three attempts. In two weeks or so we know more. Until than I have to keep listening to my symptoms. Please let it be over.

You get my blood but not my pills

My doc called me today. He wants a new blood test and is suggesting to decrease the dose once more. NO!
Hello? The four weeks are not over yet and I am starting to get used to these pills. I talked to three docs about this, but do I as a patient actually get a veto right? I'll find out tomorrow. Need some sleep now.

Shooting in the dark

My room is a mess, so is my office desk, my head and even my blog. I should update a few things here. I just did not feel like until now.

Three weeks of absolute apathy are behind me. Last Friday I remembered, what my doc had told me: "Let us know when the going gets tough!"
I tried everything to get rid of the agony, but in the end I only admitted to myself that I am simply ill, need help and rest. I stayed away from work yesterday, called my docs, asked for an emergency appointment. In between the results of my blood test flew in. the drugs are all there in my blood. But do they work?
"If by now you don't feel anything, than they have failed." the doc told me. I remembered last summer.
I had given myself 4 weeks until to decide. Three weeks are through, so what now? We wait, anyway, I'll have to talk with the other doc tomorrow. And I even asked Trisch (by the end of the day he is a doc too). I would say roughly 70% of the new symptoms are negative, 20% rather positive, 10% are hard to describe.

The good news: I met Rob again after a long while. I still don't believe that people change, and I am happy about it. Saturday, before catching the train back from Zurich, I killed some time window shopping and bought a computer game for CHF 10.-. It turned out to be an ego shooter: chocolate has failed, so have the emergency pills, but this gadget works as a marvellous painkiller. I start feeling better.

Pills and chocolate

I once heard chocolate might help against certain pains. I am just trying: I will have finished the bar before I end this post. I had an emergency pill, was on the edge of calling the hospital.

Maybe I should not go to work tomorrow. I seemingly am in good health, only me and my doctors know it better. I don't want to stay at home. I have an invitations for even two parties this weekend. Yes, I do want to lock myself up in my room, but I must not. I have to mingle.

I hate this. I am stuck on the level where almost everything seems fine, but still something is wrong with me. I have no dangerous symptoms, just nasty and painful ones. I think the sugar from the chocolate starts working. Maybe I should have had a beer, and not the pill. Too late, both together would be dangerous. I'll have one tomorrow I hope. Or we start one of my whiskey bottles as already discussed.

I will get to use my camera. As funny a kind of comfort as the chocolate - but it works. I really hoped I would be this weekend in a state where I can party all night (like at the Alumni night for example). Wishful thinking, but I'll give it a try. There is always a train home. Maybe I should give a party myself, once all this is over. The day wilkl come, no matter how hard I have to fight for it.

Politics and photography

I am getting better again. I wonder if this will last for long or be over soon. We shall see. I usually just feel like taking a rest after such a storm, get even lazy. Fortunately I have friends with the talent to kick my ass in the right moment. Snowby called me on Friday night. I don't know how he knew that I was thinking of not joining them for the hiking and sleighing the next day. Anyway, I ended up spending Saturday in the Alps. Snow, sunshine and fondue.
I took the opportunity also to test my new toy a bit. That lens is just great, like day and night compared to my old one. It also proves that capitalism works by the way: I already have a list of things that I am planning to buy next (e. g. lens hoods, lens filters, a new camera maybe?).

The trouvaille of today is a great website I found by accident, a blog actually. After having found the ultimate website combining photography and planes, I now found the website combining photography and politics. I just love the pics, the messages they transmit either subtly or even obviously. It even gratefully tells us where the commander in chief stands in the eternal war of Nikon vs. Canon. Thank you Mr. President!

Crawling up the hill

I started the day being grumpy, went to work, met apathy and agony, felt paralyzed, left for lunch, took a pill against the worst, fell asleep in my office (luckily the officers are either at home or in Davos right now, so it would not matter) and eventually left for home depressed. I wrote two emails to my doc today, one asking for more pills against what I would call side effects and one stating that this would have to end. And what now?

Only hours later I feel absolutely fabulous! This is what I hate. I take pills to feel better and nothing changes, and much later it feels again like nothing ever happened. But I should not complain, I am happy I feel so well - though it is time to sleep now. I hope when I wake up my body will still remember the good shape that it left behind when falling asleep.

A bit of comfort I gave myself today (actually 2 days ago) as my new lens, my newest toy has arrived. As Kenneth Branagh is saying in my favored movie: "Adults are just kids with a lot of money!"

Almost there

I had a pretty fun day today in the brainstore. I was representing the "potential customers" of a client company and they asked me to stay until the very end wrapping up the results with them. Fortunately unfortunately they had a system breakdown, delaying the end by 1 or 2 hours. I bridged the gap at the bar with the client representatives and two bottles of excellent local wine, discussing Swiss and German politics and the challenges of Mumbai local transport.

My health however keeps trying to cripple me. It failed so today, but was still nasty enough. I should have more patience and complain less. Maybe I am just a bit tired. Maybe I felt too well last month for too long and now I refuse to accept that I do feel worse again. A few weeks yet, and it will be over hopefully. I don't want to fight no more. I just want that peace again.

Once more

It has been ten months now.

I am to be considered cured soon, just this short time until my body got used to the new dose. I don't know if I should tell the doc that all this has upset me. I felt ok, but than he wanted to do it even better. Anyway, new blood test next week, and than we will know. And I should not complain about my health, as I my life remains too uneventful to write about otherwise. I should think about a different subject.

I need a clear head to complete that application letter, but I have already been waiting for too long. I will send it tomorrow, whatever it takes. I wished my pills would have side effects like getting me rid of my procrastination and chaos. But this might remain wishful thinking beyond the capabilities of the art of medicine.

Meanwhile for one day I am going to take up a different job: brainstore again. I took Tuesday off and am to participate in a workshop. And tomorrow I am not going to work either: it is Republic Day. A flag hoisting ceremony at the residence, that is all my duties tomorrow.

Now or later

Someone gave me the advice last week not to run too fast into my future plans. He was right probably. It is funny. I keep changing between the phases where a bright future stands in front of me and I start doing plans for career, leisure and more. And just a few hours later the apathy, that has been with me for so many years catches me back.

Most of the past years I was living my life with the parking break on. There is nothing new about me not knowing in which direction I want to walk in my life, but that I simply have a few scenarios that I could imagine. But I feel that now, when I will get eventually be cured, I should take a decision on this.

I should not hurry, take my time, he said. I feel like I was given one entire new life, like if all my possibilities had multiplied. I feel a clarity in my mind coming up that was hardly ever there. I stand where others stand when they are much younger - eventually. I feel the need to catch up - or start walking at least. I want to take the opportunities now, when I see them. That makes it so hard. I have hard times to believe that they will still be there once I am completely cured.

Fever - kinda

First the good news: I have no fever - just all the symptoms. I felt weak, was sweating, dry mouth. It is "cold" season and the flu is going around - though I am vaccinated. But I checked my temperature, nothing exciting. So it must be the pills - how could I forget.

But I am in good spirits, just feel a little weak. No job applications today, not under these conditions though I still have to write a little thank you to a friend in this respect. Monday probably I'll do it.

The checkup with the doc was ok, though he is a blood sucker - he wants a new sample in two weeks. Apart of that my illness is officially not an "episode" anymore - but chronic. Quite obvious actually. When I saw him the first time he said I might be cured within two months. I met him the first time in March.

About happyness

Today I made a doctor happy. How?

10 days ago I stretched my arm for a blood test. It was neither painful nor very irritating, but is it normal that almost 2 weeks after I still have a deep black bruise marking the spot of the (second and unsuccessful) attempt?
Today in the afternoon my phone rang. I excepted several calls linked to work, but not the voice of my all excited doc on the other end.
"My assumption was right!" he announced splendidly. In a nutshell: my liver works so perfectly, that it eats more than half of a daily medication dose in just a few hours. "A certain percentage of people in Western Europe have that genetic code causing this." he added. I don't want to develop the question of my felt identity once more here, but at least genetically I am Central European.
Anyway, the doc asked me to take the double dose tomorrow morning, before meeting him. He also mentioned "side effects" to prepare for. I ignored his fear - it will become mine early enough.

I am really curious about what is to happen next: honestly I feel quite fine, very well actually. So today my doc is announcing me to feel even much better soon. I wonder how I feel in 24 hours. I should not read the list of possible side effects in front of me, I know, but I already did. Ups!
So I might sweat and freeze, lose appetite (cool, I am trying to lose weight) and feel taste disturbances (does not really matter if I eat less anyway, does it?). I don't think I will have any jaundice though, hot flashes maybe, parasthesia would not be the first time.

On a more serious note: I had other plans for the upcoming weekend than painful apathy sitting at home. But it will be over soon, I will feel even better. I am sure it is worth it. And than finally I can write again about other things than this "bitch" called disorder!

About catching the right moment

The only reason why I am writing is maybe because the last post does not really apply anymore. I feel much better, have almost recovered from the change in medication.

I wished I could say I have used the time of well being appropriately (eg. writing job applications) but in fact I just enjoyed being back to decent health. Over the weekend I attended LEAD, the election of the new MC for AIESEC in Switzerland. For once I did not go there to take pictures but to have a good time with friends - and ended up taking 1003 pictures in less than 24 hours. But it is not about quantity, in sum I think the pics were ok but nothing particular (except the pic of the MCPe).

I love photography, but the editing part back home did cost me some energy this time. I decided I need that new lens and I am to buy it possibly next month. One of my most favored motives are my "ambush portraits", people taken from the distance, ignored by the person being photographed. Too many of the pics fail I feel. I always curse the light, but a tele-lens with an image stabilizer would help a lot already.
At DoIt I have been told not to be so perfectionist about my pictures. I find it funny enough that I am perfectionist at all in something. On the other hand I know, that the best picture can be killed simply by not being presented appropriately. I always look for mistakes in my pics or things that one could have done better.

I always think about my motivation to take pictures. What does actually drive me? I don't know, but I think it is less taking pics of things as they are than rather showing the pics how I see them. I usually have an image of a person in my head and seek to catch that very kind of image with my camera, and am disappointed if I fail.

Lens or perfectionism, a good shot needs also a lot of luck. I am grateful for having so much of it when carrying my cam. It is about intuition and hitting the right moment (luck).

Try and error

Try and error seems to be the strategy in my treatment I feel sometimes. I mentioned the reappearance of the symptoms to my doc on Monday. He reconsidered his decision immediately and so we are now back on the old higher dose. I feel better, but still pretty worse than two weeks ago. It feels like I was thrown back months in my healing. It will be over but I feel annoyed.
"This is not a backlash!" the doc insisted. This is exactly what I would call it though, and I did not reproach him anything. Ok, maybe he should not have said: "The fact that now you are feeling worse is good, because now at least it has become obvious that the medication works!"
Hello?!? Hadn't I told him one week ago that I was feeling marvellous? - what lead him to the idea of bringing down the dose?

Let's see the positive: I feel good most time of the day, but after three-ish in the afternoon it goes down, down, down. That saves at least half of my day.

Why am I writing about my illness anyway? I wanted to write about other things. Fortunately unfortunately currently their is not much more to say about my life. also the job is rather uneventful.

I could write about world politics actually, given that I am reading four newspapers with my full commitment every day. I am sorry to say this, but there is absolutely nothing new neither in the Middle East nor in South Asia. Too many people have learned out there to deal with decade old conflicts rather than to accept the inponderability of conciliation.
I don't want to be cynical here hence I stop writing.

Looking back on 2008

I really thought about how to sum up 2009, but maybe it is too soon, or too late. I don't know. Maybe the two pics above can do. The first was shot I think on the 1st or 2nd of Jan 2008 in Pondicherry, Tamil Nadu, India (the pose and the rifles were their idea, not mine). I also work meanwhiel for their government, funny enough.
The second pic was taken on new year's eve. One of the few pics of myself that I like - which is more due to my vanity than the inability of other people taking good shots.

The guy on the first pic is seriously ill like hell, but does not know it yet. The guy on the second pic is full with drugs but more healthy than ever! I have been thinking how to sum up 2008, but no matter if blogging or writing new year's wishes to friends, I am somehow out of words. Funny, ironically this year has shown to me that two of the things I am best at are blogging and photography. In this respect I tried to choose instead of a summary of the year some of the most typical or remarkable blog entries. M - O - M - E - N - T - S * A - N - D * M - O - R - E I would call them.

Ironically the little switch in my medication this week also gave me a little review on the past year in form of symptoms and side effects. Just nasty, not dangerous. I'll mention it to my doc tomorrow. New blood test and a medical certificate is on the to-do-list for tomorrow's appointment.

Last but not least one song that has been in my head most of the (hard) times. Don't worry, I also have better songs for better times.

Body and soul

I was not going to write that much about my illness, but as I left the hospital this morning with a smile I take the opportunity to post some good news.

It is a fact that I feel better than ever these days compared to the past two or three years. Hence my doc came today to the conclusion that I was doing so well, that we should consider decreasing the medication dose. This is the first time in more than 9 months, that we slow down the treatment due to a major improvement! In other words: I am through the worst!

He added that it seems that I have been ill for much longer than this year, possibly several years before already. And he suggests to keep the pills for roughly two more years or so, but that we'll find out at a later stage. New blood test next week.

I would like to write here something smart, but I am just overwhelmed, happy to have got here. Happy to be alive and healthy (almost). What stays for the time being is something completely normal for people in my situation, as the doc said: the constant fear from falling back. It will go. On the other hand, it is ok to be conscious about the gift of a proper health. It makes me grateful, satisfied. I found again the peace with my body, the peace to my soul.

Taking a rest

It has been nine months now.

As much as this blog was needed in getting through this challenge, as little I felt like posting the past month. Maybe I did not feel like writing about my health, neither about my life in general. Some of the regular readers assumed out of this that I must feel very well. Yes I do actually.

On the other hand, after the challenging year behind me, I fell in a bit of a lazy mode. Going on "standby" and take a deep breath. I need vacation, and actually I have just been on a short hopp to Budapest and Bratislava two weeks back. But I have plans for the next year and particularly for vacation - I just have to convince one of my friends to join me. I am working on it.

It is Christmas. I never liked it, but feeling better than in the past years at this time I can see the peace in the festival at least - but also the boredom. But Christmas (or maybe just the Winter) made me also reflect once more on what a priviledged life I have living in the Western world. I read the news online on a snowy day and see how people get outraged, just because public transport slows down by 10 minutes and road traffic collapses for a few hours. People complain about the life in Berne, as they consider the city as too dirty. I am really, very honestly happy for all them, that they obviously have no bigger sorrows. But who am I to patronize them, just because I have been living next door to a slum (and a five star hotel on the other side) for a year and have been traveling every day on a local train, that has a death toll of ten on its network - every day!

I bumped into an old friend on my lunch break the other day. We had not talked in 6 years to each other. I invited her for a coffee. We were discussing about relationships, the right person, monogamy.
She does not require a marriage to gain a minimum social status (or even more security). That makes her quite an exclusive woman compared to the overwhelming majority of women in the world. We should not forget, the idea of getting married simply for the sake of love is quite a new one. Not older than a hundred years and only successful in the Western world.
She felt overwhelmed with the wide range of possibilities that she has and the decisions in front of her. BUt some questions are never answered, I think. We just stop after a while putting them up.

Leave out all the rest

It has been eight months now. And actually I have hardly anything else to blog, what I would not have written already. I feel good, I am on a summit. In two weeks or so I am going to feel like shit again, but way not as bad as I used to, and in another two weeks I will feel marvelously again. The time spent on the peaks becomes longer, the valleys are flattening.

Today I saw a job ad online with exactly my job role but in another institution - and twice the salary. By the time I find and start a new job, I will probably be cured completely. Enough compromises, life is waiting to be worshiped.

Popping Pills

There is a reason why I left India and the company I used to work for out there. Now I work for the Indian government, but with increasing frequency I get reminded, why I originally had decided to leave the subcontinent.

The border between feeling good or bad has become too subtle. I used to be able to blame the "bitch" for things where I did not do well. But now things go wrong while I am feeling well. So is it me to blame, or has the "bitch" sophisticated its guerilla tactic?
I had one of those moments today once more, where I felt tired of the typical hierarchies and the arbitrariness that they cause. This job was a fair deal while being ill. Today I felt too good for a sick, too bad for someone you could expect a full performance from. It was my decision to go to work in a state where I might not have had to, accepting I might underperform. In spite of feeling too good to need it, I swallowed an emergency pill for the first time after a while. My performance was skyrocketing one of a sudden. A pity I am not allowed to take it more often (actually the max. is 4/day, but you get heavily addicted in exchange).

I will keep doing this job for a few months more, but it is time to look on, for the time after. I just completed my cover letter for a job ad - for the Swiss government this time. Funny enough, I have even two nationalities but work for a third one.

Too many pictures

I have not been blogging for roughly a week. The reason was simple: I was busy. I attended DoIt again as the official "AIESEC-photographer". At KickOff in May I shot roughly 1200 pictures, now at DoIt I have doubled the amount of pics. I asked myself why. Probably because I was feeling much better and hence was more active, I don't know.
Interestingly it was last week when my state decided to roller cost again. I was even a bit in danger in the mid week. It got better.

But the pictures: I think they were pretty good, a handful even made me proud. I check them on facebook regularly and certain I just keep watching over and over again. What I like about photography is the constant challenge in trying to catch the people as they are, as I see them at least. It sounds so easy but can be so hard. Anyway, I should sleep now. I am to write later on this again.

Ups

Ok, I was a bit wrong in my assumption. I am not healed yet. I do not expect to feel marvellous every day once cured, but I neither expect to feel as bad as I did yesterday. It is getting better again. Yes, I am cautious. Today again the compliment from the doc of reacting appropriately. Thanks anyway, but I hate it. there is something wrong with me, in me. It is dieing - not me - but yet it is there.

Fixing things

It's been seven months now. I have spent the best part of the week feeling good. The end of all this is near. But I may not think I am there too early. Beside the euphoria of the approaching cure I feel the fear of having to go back into hell. I feel all the energy in me, and the first thing I want to use it for is to avoid this to ever happen again. I amde a good job in this respect this week I think. Yesterday my state started to dive back into illness slowly, but before I realized once more the success in front of me. I remembered those mornings when I woke up without the certainty to live the evening, the panic that caught me. And than I felt the entire life that I see now right in front of me. My life.

About life

Usually when having a small pain, cold or nasty infection I used to say indifferently: "I'm gonna survive it!" to switch the subject. My foot, nastily aching for two weeks now and maybe indirectly even caused by the "bitch", would be a good example. But I stopped using this sentence earlier this year.

I keep seeing old friends from AIESEC, see how they moved and lived on, read blogs, statuses on facebook, bump into them in the street, see them busily running their career, getting married, become parents. I said it in India and it keeps being true: I am not sure if I stand in my life where I want to stand. It took me much more years than it took others to get here. I am not complaining, I also know the reason and see it would make a more than a fair excuse. But I also am surprised regularly how much this slowed down life (I mean career) has given me. there is not the enemy to whom I would wish what is behind and partly even in front of me, but I think I learnt some cool things as well and made some good friends in addition.

One more thing: An alumnus who now works for a company which earlier this year refused my job application asked me what I was doing these days. I explained him my job with the Indian embassy. "I am jealous." was his surprised answer.
Ok, maybe I do not work in a fancy multinational, but I work for one cool nation instead.

Last but not least one person Friday night asked me how I was doing. "Ok!" was my usual answer.
"I am reading your blog." she surprised me. After two silent seconds I sighed: "It is getting better." and went back taking my pictures. Later, when I said goodbye I admitted to her, that her question had made me think. About the past months - all the fighting, the backslashes, the small successes and the big failures.
"I am going to survive this!" I said - and I meant it. "It took me a bloody six months to get here! Thank you for asking me the question."

Thank you for reading my blog.

Offline

Due to technical difficulties this post from last Sunday is only published now after a short editing.

Funny, I have been offline for two entire days and am still alive. Two months ago I convinced my parents to switch to a new internet/phone/TV provider. And now the first two are crippled. The technician is to come on Tuesday morning. Until than I will have internet only at the office. This is also the reason why I could yet not upload the pics from the alumni gala from last Friday.

The arts of medicine and science have developed several sophisticated indicators to measure how healthy my state is. I for myself have my own ways of checking once in a while. Friday I did it with partying throughout a night. When I eventually went to bed it was at a time, where I could not clearly define anymore if it was time for the night or the morning pill. In a nutshell: if not cured still I was pretty healthy that night.

The gala made some interesting rencontres, old friends, very old AIESECers, and an AIESEC-dinosaur that made me feel myself like one, when realizing that the same speech that he was holding I had already listened to at KickOff 2004. And the evening even brought up an issue, that had been following me the entire week. On Monday I had reported to my boss, that the "Swiss banks did not need any intervention". On Wednesday already my boss reminded me of the fact, that what I had reported had turned out to be the wishful thinking of the concerned. Last but not least I happeend to meet Friday night with a banker who cynically joked, that he was "working for the Swiss government now". He unfortunately started to become polemic about people who would request the old heads of UBS to pay the bonuses back. He said it was ridiculous, as what happened was after their were in charge and had not been foreseeable. "Isn't it the job of people in leadership positions to guide the organisation into the future?" Foreseeing the future, or at least the most appropriate scenario? And to take decisions in this respect? At least that is how I understood leadership when I was charged with it (what was also where I learned, that at the LSE the term "Investment-Wanker" is very common by the way). The discussion moved on to the legal aspect (which is in favor of those who want to keep the bonuses) and the inconvenient call for regulation by the lawmakers. I quoted my beloved Economics Professor from Uni saying: "Seulement un Etat fort peut garantir un marché libre!" I think the guy tried to smile empathetically, still he kept looking to me like a Zurich banker who would not even understand that little French.

But I should not bash the banks that much. I ironically might even profit from the current financial crisis. Hungary is one of the most heavily struck economies, the Forint is cheap as dirt. Looking forward to December.

Progress

Progress is the fact that I don't feel constantly like dieing anymore, only like shit once in a while. But right now I feel great. And as much as I feel obliged to blog, there would be not much more to say. But I keep typing.

I feel like I could not even imagine to feel ever again in March. Am I healed? No. As good as I feel, it is as much an exception as the most worse states that I still get in regularly. But days like today become more often, and days where the danger calls become seldom. I hate though when my state limits me in my work - as I realised this week so strongly.

And now, I indeed don't want to blog. Let me just enjoy the telly for once. I am looking forward to see many of my readers tomorrow.

Finland

There are for sure some stereotypes about the Fins, and honestly during my stay here in Helsinki they were not disappointed. The language sounded very familiar to me, in spite of not understanding a word. As always when on vaccation I tried the local food and others. Thursday night we ate in a Finnish restaurant - I never had a double shot of vodka as a starter - Friday Nihan took me to her favorate Turkish restaurant, where she kept up her couflage until she paid by credit card. The patron thanked her in Turkish - but still he would have none of his famous backlava left for us. Last but not least, instead of heading for the Italian restaurant that we had chosen, we entered a Hungarian restaurant that we found on the way. The patron and her cook/husband were Hungarian, so was most of the menu - and particularly their customer care attitude.
Knowing that I would come to Finland, my mum obliged me to buy her Finish design glasses. The ones that she started collecting some 30 years ago and that I know since my childhood as untouchable, as so pricy. I agreed with my sister that we would surprise our mum with it for Christmas. In practice that means, that now I have to carry home 12 crystal glasses to Switzerland, hide them in the cellar before ringing the bell, and deal with my vexed mum who will think for two months, that her son was heartless enough to go to Helsinki and and to come back without following her heartiest request. I still don't like Christmas, and it is yet more than two months away.

Friday I explored the city on my own, enjoyed the Fish market and even bumped into the local Indian embassy. I for sure had too much time to think about myself that day. I hate my body for not knowing the difference between a bad day and felt Armageddon so often. Nevertheless, once more it shall be conveyed that I feel much better than most of the time this year. And that I am grateful.
My biggest sin as a foreign tourist here is the worst that on can commit out here: i am on my way back and did not even see a sauna from the inside. One reason to come back. My plane has reached the gate, I should leave now.

Bridging the bad times

I really am not in good spirits. My strength has been fading the past days, in spite of some good things happening. In the hospital I was once more reminded of the strength needed for the next chapter of all this. I eventually agreed. Anyway, it is to start only in a while. Some painful challenges are in front of me, but I am looking forward already to the end.

And now the good news:
1) I go on vacation: 4 days, Helsinki, I even used my extra miles to treat me with a return in business class. I am looking forward to a 4 hour lounging in the airport of the capital of beer.
2) I bought a new printer/scanner/photocopier/photo printer. The good thing about being grown up is, that you can buy all the nice things that you see in the shop window and that your parents would never pay for.
I printed some old pics to nice up the white walls of my room. The printer passed the test, though as its owner it is yet not at its best.

Trifft e Bärner e Baslere in Züri...

Something is wrong. I started two blogposts this week already and both I did not publish. I have been in thoughts the last days. The illness of others made me think about my own health and future, my goals - and the fact that certain decisions are not appropriate to be taken now.

I am more lucky with my treatment than others, I have been reminded once more. And the power of this blog also has been proved once more. Some things turn out so cynical, I had to laugh almost.

I have reached the point where I could either accept my destiny and illness and take the current, relatively stable state as "as good as it gets". I think I have done this the past years - and we know the result. The alternative is to start once more a new chapter in the treatment, a possibly painful one. and to try to fight down in the depth. Both seem not very appealing to me, but I am pretty sure about the decision I am going to take - even if I might maybe push it a bit to later.

I do not accept this as my "healthy" state. I know I have been better than this. I know I can walk that last mile to cure. I want a life, and the medics do not allow me. And that is not even the worst.

Enough whining. The good things: I had again a very nice chat with my former successor. Talking about our jobs, it made us realize that most occupations turn out to be disappointing when measured by AIESEC standards. The idea, that the economy is "where the magic happens." is maybe the ultimate naiveté fueling AIESEC. By the end of the day it does not matter which organization you are in, they only have water to boil with. This conclusion is not even new, but maybe down to earth enough to be constantly outlined.
Anyway, I do not work in the free economy for the time being - what makes my job comfortably safe these days. I have as much amusement as challenges and freedom.

Getting Married IV

So Saturday I went to Basel to attend my friend's wedding. He does not really like the idea of blogging, hence he asked me not to post anything. I shall respect this and not mention here the cool reverend, the fact that not a priest but the mother of the bride was reading out the intercession (what I liked, in spite of my atheism), the nice little church in Basel's oldtown, the apero in the city's best gellateria (imagine they have aceto-balsamico ice cream), the sweet restaurant that hosted us for dinner, my friend's uncle who played very moody Yiddish music and last but not least the female guest who collapsed, luckily in company of five doctors.

Basel seems to me often like a gate to the outside world. Maybe because on the horizon you can see even two neighboring countries. Maybe because of some memories from old days. After having been abroad for roughly a year, I did not leave Switzerland since my return, except a weekend hop to Hungary. I am planning a little hop for next month. It is time to visit one more place where I have never been.

Why?

It has been half a year now - and I almost forgot. I must be feeling better.

But first the bad news: Nothing makes me feel more spineless but to depend on people who do not give a shit. I am furious, but luckily that is one of the things in life that does not sustain for long - only disappointment does.

The good news: I feel very good. And even more my body seems to have learned to recover again. More than one doc was reminding me of the fact, that I am not healed yet and hence I should go step by step. I know - last week proved me that. Still I have reached a certain euphoria.
When reading old blogposts I seriously ask myself how I survived this. I should maybe discuss this once all this eventually over. It is yet too soon.

More, this week sadly I was reminded every day how perilous the bitch is. Since Monday I am reminded every day of a girl that did not survive. I would not even know about her, if she had survived. Only her sudden death caught my attention, and even that by accident. It is such a waste of life. So unneeded, so frustrating. I refuse to believe that she could not have been helped.

And like half a year ago, I cannot embed the song that I consider appropriate.

Promoted

How did this happen? I only called it a "mutation" myself, but all people kept congratulating me. Anyway, I even got a new office, next to the one of "Madam". The best news about the new job role is that I can keep my favorite part of the old one: reading (and summarizing) the news. Beside that I get a deeper insight into diplomat activities.

When our head of administration congratulated me, I asked him if there were any major changes (for example money-wise). "No!"
Actually there is: I cannot get away without wearing a tie anymore. I hate ties, because most people wearing them make themselves look smarter than they are.

Today before leaving the ambassador asked me to get her an appointment with the Mayor.
"Any particular reason, ma'am?"
"No, just a courtesy visit."
So I called the mayor's office. "Grüässäch, i lüte'n a vo'r indische Botschaft!"
And there it was again, these two seconds of stunning silence. This always happens, no matter if I call Swisscom, an electrician or the Foreign Ministry. It seems the combination of Indian embassy and casual Bernese confuses the people.

Wäuetau - Wäuebärg

CAUTION: The positive part starts only in the second paragraph!
My checkup yesterday ended with a big laugh though. Don't even know anymore what we were actually laughing about. Probably I made one more cynical remark about my state. It has worsened, but not sustainably. Just a usual dip in the curve, as often. But as I realized, getting from a general state of "mostly feeling ok" to "very bad" in less than two days can be even more dangerous than going from "feeling bad" to "pathetic". I learnt to be cautious, naively thought I would not have to be anymore. It does not really help to know the causes if you cannot change the effect. I FEEL LIKE A F***ING HOSTAGE sometimes.

Back to the good news: some minor formal modalities in my job. Might be more fun, unfortunately also less newspaper reading. More good news: October will have three Indian banking holidays (we "celebrate" them as we do the Swiss ones - by closing the office).

I am trying to relaunch a bit of social life these days. I have to force myself I must admit, but I have been cocooning it seems. It worries me. Maybe it was needful and hence fair enough for a while. But I have to move on, or let's better say start moving.
Talking about movement: I am also desperately trying to get rid of the kilos that I owe to my medicine. Lemon sorbet has been replaced by grapes and apples as a first step already months ago. Now comes the sportive part. We shall see.

Last but not least after at least half a year for the first time again I checked out what used to be aiesec.net. If that thing runs half as reliable as it is fast, than this is one big leap ahead of what I was used to. Anyway, I did not find the information I was looking for (AIESEC IS acting sustainably), but I found the new MC-yearplan by accident. I made my very own contribution to it, as I saw on the first page. I take it as a compliment.

About new roles

I had a bit of a chaotic day at work, though still stuck to my routine. I might be given new tasks in the future, actually it is already the case. A new job role maybe starting from tomorrow. My committed newspaper reading has become wishful thinking nowadays.
But in the morning , around 11am something else struck me like a bomb. I already felt it yesterday, thought it might just be a fever, but now I know it was the bitch.

That outlines something remarkably good: For almost a week I had not felt it at all. Going through my pain attack today taught me, that so many bad states I have not been in for weeks almost. The pain attack in exchange is first class. And whatever I tried to patch it it failed, including the emergency pill. I am sitting in an elevator downstairs.

Anyway, tomorrow I will feel better, I just have to ignore it. Or maybe I end up in hospital once more? I have my checkup tomorrow anyway. I want all this to end, but of course not the way my body is suggesting me.

When feeling bad I logically feel in me the need to do something good to someone. Today's winner: my nephew. It is going to be his birthday on Saturday, so uncle Sabi bought him the truck he had announced me over the phone. Toys are more expensive than in my days. Back from my lunch break in the toy store I asked my sister what her little princess might wish. "She is so font of her Barbie, so buying Ken would be a good idea."
"Sorry for having to tell you the bad news sis': but Barbie dumped Ken! For a younger guy. You know how women are..."
Anyway, why imposing roles on a four year old girl who is boyish enough to beat the shit out of her elder brother on a daily basis?